


For Those of You Just Joining Us: The Musketeers, Season One

by fandomlver



Series: For Those of You Just Joining Us [1]
Category: The Musketeers (2014)
Genre: F/M, Humour
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-02-28
Updated: 2015-05-02
Packaged: 2018-03-15 16:47:04
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 10
Words: 21,459
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3454445
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/fandomlver/pseuds/fandomlver
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Can't tell your Aramis from your Athos? Not sure who was A Good Soldier and who had a Homecoming? Confused about which Rebellious Woman is which? Help is at hand.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Friends and Enemies

FRIENDS AND ENEMIES

 

_A few hours from Paris_

D'ARTAGNAN and his FATHER, who has gained a name for his two and a half minutes of screen time, ride in the rain.

D'ARTAGNAN: Wish I could figure out how hats work. (Clears throat) Father, let's stop at this inn a few hours from Paris, where we are going to petition the King about taxes.*

*(This plotline brought to you by the Department of Never Coming Up Again)

D'ARTAGNAN SENIOR is killed by a man claiming to be ATHOS. D'ARTAGNAN and three small children in the audience are fooled.

 

_Paris_

Let's meet our heroes.

ATHOS, the stoic manly man.

ATHOS attempts to ~~drown himself~~ cure his hangover by putting his head in ice cold water.

PORTHOS, the jovial strong man.

PORTHOS cheats at cards and, when found out, ~~fights~~ engages his opponent in a lively show of skill.

ARAMIS, the religion loving ladies' man.

ARAMIS, in sleeping with the Cardinal’s mistress, ~~risks her life if they're discovered~~ demonstrates his joie de vive.

All three head off to report to Treville, the ~~no nonsense leader~~ no nonsense leader.

TREVILLE: The only other person with a rank in the whole regiment has vanished mysteriously. Go sort that out.

Meanwhile, D'ARTAGNAN holes up at the THENARDIER'S, because reasons.

 

_Louvre palace_

KING LOUIS shoots things.

CARDINAL RICHELIEU: The Musketeers are bad.

TREVILLE: No, we're not.

CARDINAL: Are too, are too, are too!

QUEEN ANNE: I am on TREVILLE's side.

KING LOUIS: I'm bored now. CARDINAL, do the thing you said. There, that solves everything. God, I'm great at being King.

 

_Town some hours from Paris_

ATHOS: Hmm, CORNET didn't make it here, and neither did the mysterious SPANIARD who was also expected apparently. Let's ride directly back to Paris without looking around at all.

 

_Paris_

At the THENARDIERS, D'ARTAGNAN butts in on someone else's conversation, is rude when called on it, and brings a gun to a sword fight. Clearly, this is the guy we should be rooting for. Also, the someone elses are a mysterious SPANIARD and a WOMAN with more than two lines.

 

_Elsewhere in Paris_

Not!ATHOS is still doing bad things.

 

_First part of Paris again_

D'ARTAGNAN is grieving, on the trail of vengeance, and has already fought with half of the couple, so naturally he now sleeps with the other half.

WOMAN: My mysterious past means nothing.

D'ARTAGNAN: Fair enough. 

(le sex)

D'ARTAGNAN wakes up alone.

D'ARTAGNAN: Hey, a bloody dagger. I better wander out of my room holding on to it.

 ~~Un~~ Surprisingly, the SPANIARD is dead. D'ARTAGNAN throws himself out a window to escape mob justice. I hope he put that dagger somewhere safe first.

CONSTANCE is calmly shopping when she suddenly finds a strange D'ARTAGNAN attached to her face. No one, including the stall owner she was talking to, do anything to stop her being assaulted by a man she clearly doesn't know.

CONSTANCE: Get off!

D'ARTAGNAN: My apologies. (swoons at her feet)

CONSTANCE: Oh, for heaven's sake.

D'ARTAGNAN: (Off screen) I've fallen and I can't get up.

CONSTANCE ~~kidnaps D'ARTAGNAN~~ takes D'ARTAGNAN to her house to recover, because that's what you do when someone assaults you and then falls over. D'ARTAGNAN shows his gratitude by being rude and storming off.

CONSTANCE: Damnit, I took off one whole layer of dress for that?

 

_The part of Paris where the garrison is_

D'ARTAGNAN: ATHOS! Let's have a fight.

ATHOS: Why not.

D'ARTAGNAN: To the DEATH!

ATHOS: Why?

D'ARTAGNAN: Hello. My name is D'ARTAGNAN of Lupiac in Gascony. You killed my father. Prepare to die.

ATHOS: Was that a Spanish accent?

D'ARTAGNAN: Shut up.

ATHOS: I'm pretty sure I didn't kill anyone recently.

D'ARTAGNAN: Yes, you did, because...shut up!

D'ARTAGNAN attacks.

ARAMIS: Shall we help him?

PORTHOS: Think we should?

ARAMIS: Well, he did just throw that dagger at ATHOS' back, against all the rules of duelling. Also he nearly hit me.

PORTHOS: Did he? I didn't notice, because you didn't react.

ARAMIS: I'm far too calm and collected to react to anything. Except when I do.

ATHOS: (Being strangled)

CONSTANCE arrives. Apparently putting that one whole layer of dress back on took a long time, since D'ARTAGNAN had no idea where the garrison was but made it there ahead of her anyway.

CONSTANCE: Honestly! Boys! Stop that right now!

ARAMIS: Yes'm.

PORTHOS: Sorry'm.

ATHOS: ~~He started it~~ Won't happen again'm.

D'ARTAGNAN: (Strops)

TREVILLE arrives with some RED GUARDS.

TREVILLE: ATHOS, I’ve agreed that these men can arrest you, even though you have alibies for the crimes you’ve been accused of. ARAMIS and PORTHOS, stop threatening the RED GUARDS. MADAME BONACIEUX and friend – what are you two doing here?

Everyone shuffles their feet and looks away.

TREVILLE: (rolls eyes) ATHOS, go be unfairly gaoled. ARAMIS and PORTHOS, go back to where you didn’t find CORNET before and actually look this time. Whoever you are, get out of my garrison. MADAME BONACIEUX, have a pleasant day.

 

_Louvre Palace_

CARDINAL: DID YOU KILL THOSE PEOPLE?

ATHOS: No.

CARDINAL: DID YOU KILL THOSE PEOPLE?

ATHOS: No.

CARDINAL: DID YOU KILL THOSE PEOPLE?

ATHOS: All right, yes.

CARDINAL: What, really?

ATHOS: No. I just can’t stand being asked the same question three times.

Various witnesses agree that ATHOS killed people.

CARDINAL: You have to make a decision, Sire.

KING LOUIS: I hate making decisions.

Everyone fidgets.

KING LOUIS: All right, guilty, hang him or shoot him or whatever it is we do to murderers these days.

 

_BONACIEUX house_

CONSTANCE has adopted D'ARTAGNAN, or something. Her husband is remarkably blasé about his wife ~~hugging a half naked man~~ bandaging his ribs.

ARAMIS and PORTHOS let themselves in.

ARAMIS: Want to come help us save the guy you were just trying to kill?

D'ARTAGNAN: Sure, I didn’t have much on today.

CONSTANCE: I haven’t finished with your ribs!

D'ARTAGNAN: Don’t worry, I’m only going to ride a horse for eight hours or so. It’s fine.

 

_Four hours later…_

PORTHOS: Those men stole these uniforms!

D'ARTAGNAN: Well, that was worth it.

 

_CARDINAL’s office_

CARDINAL: Let me recap the plan so far. You, WOMAN, killed the SPANIARD, and my men killed the Musketeers, because the KING made a decision without me and my feelings are hurt. Also we’re framing the Musketeers, because TREVILLE ignores me. Why ATHOS?

WOMAN: My mysterious past means nothing. (swishes away)

 

_A snowy forest_

They find dead Musketeers in the snow. It’s very sad for everyone, but mostly ARAMIS, because [SPOILERS FOR EPISODE FOUR]

 

_Louvre Palace_

LOUIS: Why is this so important?

CARDINAL: Foreign policy, and – and public relations, and – and you hurt my feelings, damnit!

LOUIS: Oh, right, the policy thing. Well, I guess, you fix everything and I’ll stand around.

CARDINAL: Excellent.

 

_Paris_

ARAMIS, PORTHOS and D'ARTAGNAN follow a lead so flimsy I didn’t even write it in to the RED GUARD PORTHOS cheated earlier. They proceed to bully him until he cries.

 

_Gaudet’s camp, outside Paris_

ARAMIS: Right, we need a really clever plan to get in, because even though I’m the best shot in the garrison and Porthos is the strongest guy ever, we’re helpless without a third person.

D'ARTAGNAN: I know, I’ll get Constance to dress up like a prostitute!

PORTHOS: How does that get us in?

D'ARTAGNAN: I just thought it would be fun.

Astonishingly, the prostitute plan works. D'ARTAGNAN blatantly ogles her for a while before giving her a weapon she probably can’t use and abandoning her.

ARAMIS: Right, this is the guy who framed ATHOS and killed various people including D'ARTAGNAN’s father. We need him alive, so surprise is absolutely, definitely…

D'ARTAGNAN runs out screaming like a manic.

ARAMIS: …not going to happen. Damnit! Just once!

There is fighting. CONSTANCE kills a guy. ARAMIS and PORTHOS kill everyone else. D'ARTAGNAN defeats GAUDET, but then he doesn’t kill them, but then GAUDET ends up impaling himself on D'ARTAGNAN’s sword anyway. But they find the evidence to clear ATHOS, so that’s fine. Well, CONSTANCE is probably traumatised, but that’s fine too.

 

_Chatelet prison_

ATHOS is not killed by firing squad. WOMAN seems upset about that.

 

_Outside the city_

CARDINAL RICHELIEU kills ADELE, his mistress, because she slept with ARAMIS, and he does it with ARAMIS’ own pistol, because irony.

 

_A tavern_

D'ARTAGNAN: So what have we been doing all day, exactly? We freed ATHOS at dawn. This is night.

PORTHOS: Signing you up as a Musketeer or whatever?

ARAMIS: Watching ATHOS drink his mysterious past away? Which I’m now bored of doing. I’m off to my mistress’ place. Where are you staying?

D'ARTAGNAN: CONSTANCE adopted me or something, so I guess there? Until I find the mysterious WOMAN with the mysterious past, anyway.

ARAMIS: Soundsfascinatingyou’llhavetotellmeaboutitsometimebye!

 

_ADELE’s house_

ADELE’s maid: ADELE has gone away. Also, here is the pistol you left in her room a few days ago. The fact that it’s been fired since is not ominous at all.

ARAMIS runs around in circles and shouts ADELE’s name, because secrecy and discretion.

 

_Prison, possibly the Chatelet, they all look the same_

The CARDINAL poisons the RED GUARD who talked to PORTHOS and ARAMIS. Loose ends, amirite?

 

_NEXT TIME_

D'ARTAGNAN betrays the Musketeers, and stuff blows up real good.


	2. Sleight of Hand

Sleight of Hand

 

_A snowy forest_

D'ARTAGNAN is practising for a fight.

ATHOS: The most important thing in a fight is?

D'ARTAGNAN: Act like a gentleman?

PORTHOS: Don’t die?

ARAMIS: Don’t get caught?

ATHOS: Don’t prance around a snowy forest in your shirt sleeves, you’ll catch your death. Now, do you want to back out of this?

D'ARTAGNAN: What, and look like a sissy in front of the INTERCHANGEABLE RED GUARDS?

There is fighting. D'ARTAGNAN is winning, mostly due to strategic groin-kicking – our hero – until some more INTERCHANGEABLE RED GUARDS crash the party.

ATHOS: Drat.

PORTHOS: Ah well.

ARAMIS: I’ll miss him.

The INSEPARABLES make a run for it and leave D'ARTAGNAN alone in the snow surrounded by INTERCHANGEABLE RED GUARDS.

D'ARTAGNAN: …I’m cold.

 

_Garrison_

The INSEPARABLES are now persona non grata at the regiment because of abandoning D'ARTAGNAN to the INTERCHANGEABLE RED GUARDS. Luckily, it’s all a trick to get him close to a prisoner called VADIM.

TREVILLE: VADIM stole gunpowder and we want to know where it is, and he wouldn’t trust a MUSKETEER, so we set up this whole thing to get D'ARTAGNAN inside.

ATHOS: We know the plan, we were there.

TREVILLE: I’m just reminding you. Tomorrow you can escort the QUEEN to the prison and check on D'ARTAGNAN, because VADIM doesn’t trust MUSKETEERS but people who are friends with MUSKETEERS are fine.

 

_Chatelet Prison_

So far, D'ARTAGNAN’s been kicked in the head, kicked in the side, shoved around a lot, and chained up, and VADIM hasn’t actually spoken yet. This plan’s going swimmingly.

D'ARTAGNAN: I know, I will compliment him on his elementary sleight of hand tricks! That’s sure to get him talking to me. 

VADIM: My plans all involve tricking people into looking in the wrong direction.

D'ARTAGNAN: Or, I can get myself beat up by the guard. I like that plan better.

GUARD: Stupid MUSKETEER.

D'ARTAGNAN: …am not!

 

_Garrison_

BONACIEUX: D'ARTAGNAN sucks and I’m glad he’s getting killed.

TREVILLE: So kind of you to share your feelings. (Door slam)

CONSTANCE: You all suck for abandoning D'ARTAGNAN. 

BONACIEUX: How dare you express an opinion! (Hustles her away)

 

_Chatelet Prison_

D’ARTAGAN: You were betrayed so was I we’re exactly the same we should be best friends!

VADIM: Nah, I’m breaking out now. (Starts seizing)

Despite claiming VADIM is faking, the guard still wanders in to look at him. He gets knocked out for his trouble. VADIM reluctantly frees D'ARTAGNAN, and then everyone else.

 

_Chatelet courtyard_

QUEEN ANNE: I believe people are always good deep down.

VADIM appears and takes her hostage.

D'ARTAGNAN: Don’t kill the QUEEN! Um, because, if you do they’ll hunt us down. Not because I care what happens to her or anything. That’s ridiculous.

VADIM’s men are right outside, so VADIM lets the QUEEN go. ARAMIS immediately knocks her down and lies on top of her. Because riot.

D'ARTAGNAN rides off with VADIM. ARAMIS and the QUEEN look tenderly into each other’s eyes, because that’s the only role he can play, apparently.

 

_CARDINAL’S OFFICE_

CARDINAL: Well, D'ARTAGNAN made his choice, he’ll have to live with it even if it gets him killed.

ATHOS and TREVILLE walk off while the CARDINAL’S still talking, which seems rude, but whatever.

WOMAN appears.

WOMAN: D'ARTAGNAN shouldn’t die, he’s – uh – useful. Look, I’ve a whole speech prepared to get him back on my side. Our side. Your side.

CARDINAL: Don’t care about him. Find out what VADIM’s planning.

WOMAN swishes off.

 

_Blacksmith’s, somewhere_

VADIM: So, are you a traitor?

D'ARTAGNAN: No.

VADIM: Good enough, welcome aboard.

FELIX, VADIM’s right hand idiot: Grr.

 

_Louvre Palace_

ARAMIS and the QUEEN stare tenderly into each other’s eyes.

PORTHOS clears his throat.

QUEEN ANNE: Here, have a rosary.

ARAMIS: Your Majesty is too kind. I shall forsake all other rosaries at once.

PORTHOS: Quit doing that!

 

_Gross hideout somewhere_

VADIM gets up in the middle of the night and wanders off. D'ARTAGNAN follows him, because that’s not suspicious at all. VADIM goes into a building with a woman.

FELIX jumps D'ARTAGNAN from behind.

D'ARTAGNAN: Mistress!

FELIX: Oh, yeah, like you even know any women.

Remembering how upset CONSTANCE was at being considered a prostitute last time, D'ARTAGNAN decides to go ahead and do it to her again.

D'ARTAGNAN: Stop protesting and kiss me or we’ll get shot!

CONSTANCE: Who’s protesting?

BONACIEUX MAID: (completely blasé)

 

_BONACIEUX house_

The INSEPARABLES have arrived, because that’s the definition of undercover considering D’ARTAGANAN knows he’s definitely being watched.

D'ARTAGNAN: He’s going to blow up the KING and QUEEN, sometime, somehow.

ATHOS: Excellent, we’ll take it from here.

D'ARTAGNAN: What, seriously? No. I’m going back in.

CONSTANCE comes in, slams some bottles around, hits ARAMIS and leaves again.

ARAMIS: She likes you.

D'ARTAGNAN: Mm-hmm. Go check on VADIM’s mistress, she’s probably a lead of some sort.

CONSTANCE: You’re a terrible lodger and I’ll be happy if you die.

D'ARTAGNAN kisses her hand, because that always works. Of course, that’s the moment BONACIEUX returns.

BONACIEUX: I thought we were rid of you, damnit! GUARDS!

The INSEPARABLES come to protect D'ARTAGNAN, because undercover. It doesn’t help, and D'ARTAGNAN is set upon by two INTERCHANGEABLE RED GUARDS and run into a dead end. Luckily, WOMAN is there to kill them for him. 

D'ARTAGNAN: Going to let me take the blame for this, too?

Despite having practised that whole speech on the CARDINAL, she does not use it.

WOMAN: No, I’m just going to say cryptic things about choosing your path and then run through this door you didn’t notice before ATHOS or the others get here.

She does. ATHOS sets PORTHOS to follow D'ARTAGNAN and keep an eye on him, because – say it with me – undercover.

 

_Grotty hideaway somewhere_

VADIM: I don’t care you ran off in the middle of the night, just don’t do it again.

D'ARTAGNAN: Of course not.

 

_VADIM’s MISTRESS’ HOUSE_

ATHOS and ARAMIS play ‘Good MUSKETEER, Bad MUSKETEER’ with SUZETTE, VADIM’s West County accented lover.

SUZETTE: VADIM worked at the palace for a while. That’s all I know.

 

_Louvre Palace_

TREVILLE: You have to skip Mass so we can catch VADIM. It’s possibly maybe where he might be planning to kill you, we suspect.

QUEEN ANNE: No, let’s not do that.

KING LOUIS: The QUEEN has spoken, gentlemen.

TREVILLE and ATHOS go to talk to LAVOIE, who was VADIM’s supervisor or mentor or something along those lines.

LAVOIE: I gave that gutter snipe a chance to better himself by working for a pittance in the kitchen and getting spat on all the time, and he betrayed me! ME!

ATHOS: How so?

LAVOIE: He stole one piece of jewellery from this vault containing dozens of pieces of jewellery. It pains me to think about it.

 

_Grotty hideout somewhere_

VADIM: D'ARTAGNAN, I’ve written our entire plan down on this one piece of paper. You take it, and also go on this spurious errand for me.

D'ARTAGNAN: Sure.

D'ARTAGNAN lobs the paper at PORTHOS, who’s still hanging around outside in the rain.

SUZETTE arrives at the hideout. ARAMIS is so intent on watching her that PORTHOS manages to sneak up on him.

PORTHOS: I’ll go get the others so we can attack. You stand around in the rain for a while.

Inside, VADIM whips everyone up and then announces that he has a traitor.

FELIX: NOOOO! …I mean, it’s not me.

VADIM: Nah, I know, just keeping up the suspense. (Whacks D'ARTAGNAN with the pistol)

The INSEPARABLES burst in a few minutes later, but everyone has mysteriously vanished and there’s blood on the floor.

ATHOS: Damnit.

TREVILLE: Let’s protect the KING and then worry about D'ARTAGNAN.

 

_Streets of Paris_

KING LOUIS and QUEEN ANNE walk among the crowd. But not too close to them.

VADIM’s guys attack with bombs, but none of them go off. ARAMIS flings himself on top of one dramatically. QUEEN ANNE and ARAMIS look tenderly at each other.

ATHOS: The bombs are fake because VADIM is making us look over here while he’s at the palace robbing it! Come on!

 

_Under the Louvre Palace_

D'ARTAGNAN wakes up – and geez, it’s the next morning at least, that was some hit – to find himself tied to barrels of gunpowder.

VADIM: Oh, good, you’re awake. For a while there I thought I’d have to do the ‘Villain explains things’ speech to myself. Not nearly as much fun.

D'ARTAGNAN: You’ll never get away with the thing you’re planning!

VADIM: Oooh, wanna make a bet? You’ve got fifteen – excuse me, fourteen – minutes before the candle blows you up. Have fun.

D'ARTAGNAN: Well, the joke’s on you, because if I die you won’t be able to collect! So there!

VADIM: I’ll live with it.

 

_Louvre Palace_

VADIM blows stuff up real good.

The INSEPARABLES arrive in time to chase him back down into the tunnels.

 

_Under the Louvre Palace_

D'ARTAGNAN manages to free himself just in time to stop the explosion. When he goes to let himself out, however, he discovers that VADIM has somehow rigged the door to set off more fuses, even though it didn’t do that when VADIM used it. Unable to stamp them out in time, he makes a run for it.

The INSEPARABLES corner VADIM in another part of the tunnels. Using his psychic powers, he predicts the gunpowder explosion just in time to smarm at ATHOS, then escapes while they’re stunned from the blast.

VADIM: Hmm, should I kill them to stop them coming after me…? Nah. They’ll probably give up now.

 

_SUZETTE’s home_

WOMAN chokes SUZETTE to death. Because reasons.

 

_Under the Louvre Palace_

FELIX and the others track down VADIM. VADIM kills FELIX. The others are found by the INSEPARABLES and there’s a fight.

D'ARTAGNAN: Want to play hide and seek, VADIM? You seek.

VADIM lunges around in the dark for a while, until eventually D'ARTAGNAN gets bored, stabs him, and lets him wander off. Why he didn’t just stab him while he had the advantage of surprise…

VADIM stumbles out through a sewer, dropping treasure as he goes. D'ARTAGNAN and the INSEPARABLES catch up just as he collapses.

VADIM: Damn. Wish I’d killed you back in prison.

D'ARTAGNAN: Yeah, that sure would have solved all your problems.

VADIM dies.

 

_BONACIEUX house_

ATHOS: …so, you see, D'ARTAGNAN was operating under orders all the time and you can’t blame him.

BONACIEUX: Oh, I’m sure he was acting exactly according to his nature.

D'ARTAGNAN finds forget me nots on his pillow.

 

_Somewhere the CARDINAL does his plotting_

CARDINAL: Well, D'ARTAGNAN’s alive and VADIM’s not. Good news all around, I guess.

WOMAN: Yes, very good.

 

_Next time_

Gaius Baltar’s gone a bit camp, and PORTHOS gets stabbed in the back.


	3. Commodities

COMMODITIES

 

_Le Havre_

GAUIS BALTAR does a very bad CAP’T JACK SPARROW impression as EMILE BONNAIRE, wandering along a dock. Some HEAVIES follow him. D'ARTAGNAN watches.

BONNAIRE wanders into a pub – coincidentally, the other INSEPARABLES are already there – and proceeds to buy a lot of drink and flirt a lot. Pretty much everyone else seems to be there to attack BONNAIRE, but they’re taking their sweet time about it. BONNAIRE’s WIFE, MARIA, provokes a fight, but luckily the most serious injury is when D'ARTAGNAN gets bitten. ATHOS arrests EMILE. He gets a lot more agreeable when he realises there are SPANIARDS waiting to arrest him as well.

BONNAIRE: But first, an interlude with the missus.

ATHOS: Can’t possibly get in the way of that. No running away, though.

BONNAIRE: Wouldn’t dream of it.

D'ARTAGNAN: (is the only sane person there)

Upstairs, ATHOS and PORTHOS clear their throats and shuffle their feet a lot while BONNAIRE makes loud noises and MARIA picks on the lock on the second door, because all inn rooms have two doors, you know. BONNAIRE makes it through the door and out a window, because the window in his room – didn’t have as nice a view, I guess? – and climbs into a cart. PORTHOS has teleported down and is now driving the cart.

 

_CARDINAL’s office_

WOMAN: So, ATHOS is in Le Havre chasing BONNAIRE. On another matter, I want some time off.

CARDINAL: Does it have anything to do with ATHOS?

WOMAN: …no.

CARDINAL: Fair enough then, off you go.

 

_Road from Le Havre_

BONNAIRE: I love Musketeers, ever since I heard stories about them as a child.

PORTHOS: The regiment’s eight years old.

BONNAIRE: Let me tell you some stories from my travels!

PORTHOS: Since it’s going to take days to get back dragging your cart, why not.

BONNAIRE: Are you a slave, by the way? Because your skin colour leads me to believe you’re a slave. I’ve been to Africa, did you come from there?

PORTHOS: (Fumes)

In attempting to escape an ambush, the INSEPARABLES change their path and ride straight into an ambush. Everything’s going well until PORTHOS gets stabbed in the back. ARAMIS immediately beats down everyone in the vicinity.

The leader of the ambushers wanders out and calls them off.

MUNIER: I’m his business partner.

ATHOS: How unfortunate for you. Stop having us followed, you can wait till we reach PARIS and appeal to the KING there.

MUNIER: I’m not having you followed, we were just hoping you’d come this way.

ATHOS: There’s two men in black following us.

MUNIER: They’re not mine.

PORTHOS: (writhing around in agony)

ARAMIS: We need to take care of this quite quickly.

D'ARTAGNAN: I can look for somewhere to camp.

ARAMIS: More quickly than that.

ATHOS: We’ll ride on a few miles.

ARAMIS: A lot more quickly than that.

ATHOS: Let’s wait till dark.

ARAMIS: (Shakes some sense into him)

ATHOS: All right, fine, let’s go to the one place in all of FRANCE I hoped I would never see again.

 

_de la Fere_

Villagers gawp as the group ride through.

ATHOS leads them up to the manor house and starts opening up.

ATHOS: This is my house. I was nobility once. Let’s not talk about it in front of the non Musketeer.

ARAMIS: As if you’d ever talk about it anyway. Right, time to sew PORTHOS up while chatting quite casually over his head.

PORTHOS: You’d think I’d have figured out by now that ‘prepare the patient’ actually means ‘punch PORTHOS really hard in the face’. (Is knocked unconscious)

BONNAIRE: (looks like he’s having a fit of the vapors)

D'ARTAGNAN: (mostly amused)

 

_Louvre palace_

LOUIS: I want a navy.

CARDINAL: No.

LOUIS: But I want one!

CARDINAL: No, your majesty.

LOUIS: Then I’m going to play with my toy ships. Sort out that whole BONNAIRE thing, would you?

 

_de la Fere_

ATHOS wanders through mostly empty rooms until he finds a bedroom that’s almost untouched. In flashback, he and WOMAN mack on each other for a bit in that room and also talk about forget me nots.

D'ARTAGNAN: Oooh, hey, portraits. Why is this one ripped?

ATHOS: Vandals.

D'ARTAGNAN: Vandals who very carefully cut a portrait in exactly the right way to conceal the face and nothing else, and did no other damage at all?

ATHOS: Obviously.

D'ARTAGNAN: What about this portrait right here?

ATHOS: My dead saintly younger brother THOMAS. Want some more salt for that wound?

D'ARTAGNAN does not lift up the flap of portrait, which is probably for the best, because if he had the series would be about six episodes shorter.

PORTHOS watches BONNAIRE draw plans for his next ship. When he expresses interest, BONNAIRE puts the plans away. That’s not suspicious at all.

MARIA rides up outside. Despite having watched her gallop up for the last five minutes, and D'ARTAGNAN reminding them that she bites, she still manages to take them by surprise and BONNAIRE gets away.

ATHOS comes around from the back of the house, stops long enough to order PORTHOS inside, and takes the others to follow the BONNAIRES.

After a thrilling chase scene where neither party can actually see the other one, the two men in black pop up and shoot MARIA dead. BONNAIRE rides off while the men in black shoot at ATHOS and ARAMIS for a while. D'ARTAGNAN chases BONNAIRE.

ATHOS and ARAMIS are so good at what they do that they kill the men in black without learning anything other than they’re SPANISH. ARAMIS suddenly develops fluency, but the men die without saying anything.

D'ARTAGNAN catches up with BONNAIRE, who has ridden his horse to exhaustion, and makes him walk back.

Back at the house, PORTHOS attacks BONNAIRE. No one seems to mind very much, but ARAMIS gets a bit upset when PORTHOS rips his stitches.

ATHOS: PORTHOS, calm down.

PORTHOS: He’s planning a slave ship! He’s a slaver! I hate them!

ATHOS: Sadly, we still have to protect him. But we’ll all be mean to him, how about that?

D'ARTAGNAN: Sorry, what? I was busy trying to figure out whether I’m holding your arm or ARAMIS is, it seems to keep changing at random.

ARAMIS: For some reason I have faith that the KING will do the right thing.

PORTHOS and BONNAIRE bicker about freedom and slavery while BONNAIRE digs a grave for MARIA. Despite that PORTHOS is injured and has already tried to kill BONNAIRE once, they are unsupervised.

In the house, ATHOS gets drunk and emotional before heading outside. He has a flashback to watching WOMAN be hanged. Her button is still lying right there in the grass, because everyone knows grass under a gallows doesn’t grow, or something.

D'ARTAGNAN: ATHOS, why are you hanging out under the loneliest tree in the world?

ATHOS: I have things to do. Comte things. You wouldn’t understand. Go back to PARIS with the others, make sure you don’t leave PORTHOS alone with BONNAIRE.

D'ARTAGNAN: You mean like we just did? D’you want company on your Comte things?

ATHOS: Which part of ‘mysterious past I don’t talk about’ are you having problems with?

In the village, ATHOS goes to see REMI, who was his executioner apparently. REMI is rather messily dead. ATHOS is sorry, but not sorry enough to inform anyone. Going back to the house, he proceeds to get stonking drunk.

Late that night, he wakes up to find the house on fire and WOMAN wandering around with a burning torch.

ATHOS: You’re dead, ANNE.

WOMAN: Really not, you know.

ATHOS flails about in an embarrassing manner before falling down. WOMAN sits down beside him and waves a knife in a vaguely threatening fashion.

ATHOS: You murdered my brother.

WOMAN: He was a terrible brother.

ATHOS: You murdered Remi.

WOMAN: He smelled funny. And he had all this guilt. He got boring.

ATHOS curls up and cries all down her bosom. WOMAN does not seem especially put out by this.

WOMAN: To kill you, or to let you live with your guilt…hmm. Difficult choice.

D'ARTAGNAN: (from outside) ATHOS! YOUR HOUSE IS BURNING!

WOMAN: Live with it! (Shoves ATHOS off, runs away)

D'ARTAGNAN: ATHOS, I REALLY THINK YOU SHOULD GET OUT OF THE HOUSE!

D'ARTAGNAN spots WOMAN riding off, but he has finally decided to go into the house. ATHOS is insensible on the floor of WOMAN’s bedroom. D'ARTAGNAN hauls him outside and makes a vague attempt at washing his face a bit sort of.

D'ARTAGNAN: So, what’s going on?

ATHOS: My wife murdered my brother so I had her hanged and now she’s burnt down my house.

D'ARTAGNAN: (ACTUAL LINE) Are you saying the ghost of your dead wife tried to kill you?

ATHOS: No. She’s alive.

D'ARTAGNAN: Oh. That’s…not much better.

ATHOS: (Falls over)

 

_PARIS streets_

BONNAIRE: You have opened my eyes and changed my heart. I’m not going to trade in slaves any more.

PORTHOS: Yeah, right.

BONNAIRE: Worth a shot.

 

_BONACIEUX house_

WOMAN: Hello, I am MILADY DE WINTER. I’ve just come to say unsettling things about D'ARTAGNAN. You’re very young and pretty like him. Had you noticed how young and pretty he is?

CONSTANCE: I’m sure I don’t know what you mean.

MILADY: Shall I be more explicit?

CONSTANCE: Please don’t.

MILADY: I’ll just touch you in a creepy way instead.

 

_PARIS streets_

ATHOS: Oh, there’s that SPANISH guy from the pub. I’ll go after him. Now, if you tell anyone anything that I said while I was concussed and suffering from smoke inhalation, I’ll be very upset.

D'ARTAGNAN: So noted.

 

_BONACIEUX house_

D'ARTAGNAN takes an awfully long time to figure out his shirt, but CONSTANCE doesn’t seem to mind too much.

CONSTANCE: Have you been talking to other women, D'ARTAGNAN?

D'ARTAGNAN: I spend all my time with a bunch of men, CONSTANCE. (magics on his jerkin)

CONSTANCE: If you’re going to hang out with women, can it be with less scary ones?

 

_A roof, somewhere in PARIS_

ATHOS sneaks up on a SPANIARD who’s paying a lot of attention to the road and none at all to his own back.

ATHOS: Let’s talk, you and me.

 

_CARDINAL’s office_

CARDINAL: You’ve been violating our trade agreements with Spain. That’s very naughty. Here’s what we’re going to do.

 

_Outside the CARDINAL’s office_

PORTHOS: So, what kind of terrible punishment are you getting?

BONNAIRE: Oh, none at all. The CARDINAL’s helping me buy lots of SLAVES and bring them to America. That’s SLAVES. To AMERICA. And I guess I’m supposed to send tobacco back, or something, we didn’t really talk about that. We were too busy talking about SLAVES.

 

_Garrison_

D'ARTAGNAN: It’s sure a shame we can’t do anything to stop BONNAIRE. Like the SPANISH wanted to do. You know, put him out of the SLAVE business.

ARAMIS: Yes, indeed it is.

PORTHOS: That is sad.

ATHOS: (thinking face)

 

_Le Harve_

The INSEPARABLES have a complicated plan involving Munier, a staged fight, and a SPANISH ship. It ends up with BONNAIRE in SPANISH hands. No one is too upset.

As they leave the pub, D'ARTAGNAN almost sees MILADY, but she ducks in time. That woman must leave a trail of dead horses behind her to get everywhere ahead of them…

 

_Next time_

TREVILLE and the CARDINAL are in cahoots, and ARAMIS is upset.


	4. A Good Soldier

A GOOD SOLDIER

_Louvre Palace_

D'ARTAGNAN, in his role as MUSKETEER MASCOT, is with the other INSEPARABLES as they stand around on guard duty waiting for the DUKE of SAVOY to arrive. ARAMIS is brooding.

ATHOS: What’s up with him?

PORTHOS: You’ve forgotten the regiment’s defining tragedy, which also personally scarred one of your best friends?

ATHOS: …no.

D'ARTAGNAN: What tragedy?

ATHOS: Shut up.

Meanwhile, in a part of the palace no one is guarding, someone breaks into the grounds. From out of the palace, apparently, which seems like the long way around. He leaves his breaking in rope on display in case he needs it in a hurry, because clearly no one patrols in this area.

 

_Prison_

Some Old Guy: I’m important to this story!

Some Jailor: Shut up.

 

_Louvre Palace_

The DUKE has finally arrived. He is rude to KING LOUIS. This is allowed, though, because his Dukedom is important and also his wife is KING LOUIS’ sister. They all banter at each other while the guy who broke in fiddles around with his weapon and eventually fires, killing someone standing next to the DUKE. THE INSEPARABLES hare off after him.

ARAMIS finds the breaking in rope and looks around suspiciously before managing to get himself jumped in a mostly open area. He addresses his captor as MARSAC, right before beating seven shades of hell out of him. He then makes sure PORTHOS doesn’t see MARSAC. A master of mixed signals, is our ARAMIS.

TREVILLE ushers all the royal and/or important people inside to hide from MARSAC. The men bristle at each other while the women smooth over ruffled feathers.

Back outside, MARSAC and ARAMIS are mostly not listening to each other.

MARSAC: The DUKE of SAVOY killed all our friends!

ARAMIS: And you left me alone with their bodies. Did I ever thank you for that? Oh no, I couldn’t, because you LEFT ME ALONE WITH THEIR BODIES!

D'ARTAGNAN: Should I come back later, or…

 

_CARDINAL’s Office_

TREVILLE: You did this!

CARDINAL: Nope.

TREVILLE: Did so!

CARDINAL: No, I didn’t. Hey, remember that time we did that thing in SAVOY?

TREVILLE: (glares)

 

_BONACIEUX house_

ARAMIS: My friend MARSAC is – a friend – and he’s called MARSAC.

CONSTANCE: (does not notice that MARSAC is tied up)

MARSAC: (definitely notices CONSTANCE’s – charms)

D'ARTAGNAN: (glowers)

CONSTANCE: He can stay in D'ARTAGNAN’s room, because you asked so nicely.

D'ARTAGNAN: (more glowering)

ARAMIS: (ties MARSAC to the bed)

THE INTERNET: (explodes)

ARAMIS: This is just to protect you. Because the MUSKETEERS hate you now.

MARSAC: I spit on my old friends. All except you. You were there, you know what it was like.

 

_Outside the BONACIEUX house_

D'ARTAGNAN: So, uh…

ARAMIS: We were on a training mission near SAVOY and we were attacked at night in the snow while we were asleep and I got hit on the head and MARSAC saved me but he was too afraid to go back to the fighting and when it was all over he deserted and left me alone in the snow with a bleeding head wound and twenty dead MUSKETEERS.

D'ARTAGNAN: …I was just going to ask if you’re hungry…

 

_Garrison_

TREVILLE: None of you saw the assassin?

ATHOS: He got away.

PORTHOS: I was with you.

ARAMIS: Didn’t see anything.

D'ARTAGNAN: I fell over.

TREVILLE: (His actual line) There's a killer on the loose, and the security of the nation hangs by a thread, but at least little d'Artagnan didn't get a nasty bruise.

D'ARTAGNAN: I fell over. I’m more likely than anyone to have a bruise.

TREVILLE: Shut up. PORTHOS and ATHOS, I’m putting you two on the DUKE’s guard. You other two, go do something.

ATHOS: Right, ARAMIS, ‘fess up.

ARAMIS: Don’t know what you mean.

ATHOS: D'ARTAGNAN?

D'ARTAGNAN: I don’t know what you mean either don’t look at me like that I promised ARAMIS eeiiii…all right fine, I’ll tell you.

 

_BONACIEUX house_

CONSTANCE: ARAMIS lied to me and this other guy’s a deserter assassin? Fine, no problems there. But you were in their company, D'ARTAGNAN! You’re fired as my lodger, get out!

D'ARTAGNAN: Aw, come on!

MARSAC: Oh dear I’ve caused trouble again haven’t I. Such a shame.

ATHOS: Shut up, you.

ARAMIS: Let’s just listen to MARSAC’s proof.

ATHOS: He has proof now?

 

_Some building somewhere_

MARSAC has tied a guy to a wall. He must be pretty uncomfortable by now, MARSAC’s been gone a while.

GUY: I worked for the DUKE and we snuck up on the MUSKETEERS and killed them all! In the snow! It’s all TREVILLE’s fault, he told us you’d be there!

The INSEPARABLES cleverly leave MARSAC alone with the GUY, and when they get back the GUY is dead.

 

_Prison_

CARDINAL: Hey, Old Guy, you’re important to this story.

SOME OLD GUY: Told you so!

 

_Garrison_

D'ARTAGNAN: TREVILLE’s a good guy.

ARAMIS: We should investigate this carefully. To clear his name.

D'ARTAGNAN: Clear his name, uh huh, sure.

MARSAC: You shut up!

PORTHOS: Oi! Leave D'ARTAGNAN alone!

ARAMIS: Look, I’m doing this no matter what.

ATHOS: Fine, but I’m taking MARSAC back to the BONACIEUX house, because let’s rub salt in that wound for D'ARTAGNAN a bit more.

ARAMIS: I wounded the guy who led the attack. You’re on the DUKE’s guard, so once you actually start doing that, see if you can see if there’s a scar on his back.

ATHOS: All right, but you should be careful what information you look for. You may find that having is not so pleasing a thing, after all, as wanting.

ARAMIS: (blinks, frowns, backs away)

 

_Louvre Palace_

KING LOUIS sword fights with his six year old nephew.

CHRISTINA, THE DUCHESS: That’s my son right there. My own child. It’s great having a child.

QUEEN ANNE: (polite smile)

 

_Garrison_

ARAMIS sits alone at the table and has flashbacks which I won’t be describing, thank you.

SERGE, the COOK: I have always been here.

TREVILLE: (watching from above)

 

_BONACIEUX house_

CONSTANCE: Why are you packing to leave?

D'ARTAGNAN: You told me to leave!

CONSTANCE: You should treat me like an equal!

D'ARTAGNAN: (caves immediately)

CONSTANCE: Fine, you can stay.

D'ARTAGNAN: (Only seems to own four things)

 

_Louvre Palace_

CARDINAL: Treaty treaty treaty treaty treaty!

DUKE: Ok, tell you what. If… (points randomly) that guy can beat me in a duel, we’ll talk about it.

He has “happened” to point at ATHOS. ATHOS does not seem phased.

There is fighting. ATHOS ends up pinning the DUKE to the dais.

ATHOS: It must be humiliating, having to lie there while the better man refuses to spill your blood.

TREVILLE: It’s first blood wins.

ATHOS: Oh, in that case.

TREVILLE: But don’t kill him!

ATHOS: Anything else?

TREVILLE: No, that’s it.

ATHOS stabs the DUKE a bit.

TREVILLE: You should have beat him nicely!

 

_Garrison_

ARAMIS stealthes his way on into TREVILLE’s office and pokes around through various papers.

 

_Louvre Palace_

GONTARD, the DUKE’s RIGHT HAND MAN: Was that really necessary?

DUKE: I hate the CARDINAL.

GONTARD: Don’t we all. Listen, about that secret mission I’ve been doing.

ATHOS: Should I come back, or…

DUKE: (strips off his shirt because reasons to display a mad scar)

 

_Streets of Paris_

GONTARD has given up on talking to the DUKE in order to weasel information out of SOME GUARD in SOME TAVERN about SOME OLD GUY. PORTHOS is watching. And imbibing. Just to keep up his cover, of course.

 

_BONACIEUX house_

ARAMIS: There’s no record of the SAVOY mission.

ATHOS: We are still on TREVILLE’s side.

MARSAC: If you guys untie me, I could help.

ATHOS: Sure, why not. Stay here and do nothing.

MARSAC: Suits me.

 

_Garrison_

TREVILLE finds the INSEPARABLES waiting on his balcony in the rain.

TREVILLE: You two should be at the palace, and you two should be anywhere but here.

ARAMIS: Did you send twenty two MUSKETEERS to their deaths five years ago?

TREVILLE: (twitches) I don’t have to explain myself to you!

ARAMIS is so angry he actually makes it thunder.

TREVILLE: Not impressed. Out, now.

They wander out and stare at the rain.

D'ARTAGNAN: We’re still on TREVILLE’s side.

ARAMIS: You’re all horrible friends. (stomps off into the storm)

 

_Louvre Palace_

CHRISTINA: What are you thinking about, husband?

DUKE: Nothing much. Let’s have a snog.

CHRISTINA: Oh dear, GONTARD’s here. (hides outside to listen)

GONTARD: It’s definitely him, in a prison right here in Paris, no question about it!

 

_BONCIEUX house_

MARSAC: How about a snog?

CONSTANCE: No.

MARSAC: You could pretend I’m D'ARTAGNAN.

They grapple for a minute before D'ARTAGNAN comes in and boxes MARSAC.

D'ARTAGNAN: If I can’t have her, you definitely can’t! Stop grovelling around on the floor and get out!

 

_Garrison_

ARAMIS watches as TREVILLE leaves.

 

_BONACIEUX house_

D'ARTAGNAN: I tied him up in the room your husband uses to store and display his wares to his customers. I’m sure he won’t be in the way.

CONSTANCE: Things are very – interesting around here since you moved in.

D'ARTAGNAN: How can I make this up to you?

CONSTANCE eyes him, advances, leans in…

CONSTANCE: I want to fight. And shoot.

D'ARTAGNAN: Well, it’s against all the laws and morals of society, but sure, why not.

 

_Louvre Palace_

TREVILLE: My men are on the verge of figuring it out.

CARDINAL: Well, get that sorted! You can’t let them figure out what we did!

TREVILLE notices ARAMIS standing quite openly in the arch they just passed.

CARDINAL: Is someone there?

TREVILLE: …no…

CARDINAL: Good. Get on that cover up straight away. I have to go babysit two grown leaders of men.

TREVILLE goes back to confront ARAMIS. Neither seems too worried about the RED GUARDS just down the way.

TREVILLE: This isn’t your concern.

ARAMIS: Whose is it if not mine? Did you tell the DUKE where we were?

TREVILLE: Yes.

ARAMIS beats him and runs off.

 

_BONACIEUX house_

ARAMIS unties MARSAC.

ARAMIS: Now, TREVILLE’s admitted to doing it, so I think you should leave the city at once while I figure out what’s the best thing to do.

MARSAC: Right, yeah, that’s exactly what I’m going to do.

As soon as ARAMIS turns his back, MARSAC clocks him one and runs off. Good thing none of the BONACIEUX household is home.

 

_Louvre Palace_

DUKE: You guys are cheats who stole my CHANCELLOR CLUZET and I’m not signing your stupid treaty!

KING LOUIS: We didn’t steal anyone!

DUKE: Yes you did, you distracted me by waving MUSKETEERS at me and while I was dealing with an incursion on my borders in a totally legal and sanctioned way, you guys snuck in and stole CLUZET!

KING LOUIS: I don’t remember sneaking in anywhere. Do you, ANNE?

QUEEN ANNE: Certainly not. CARDINAL?

CARDINAL: Not I.

DUKE: Did so! I insist on going to your prison at once!

 

_Garrison_

A MYSTERIOUS HOODED FIGURE rides in and immediately lowers her hood. It’s CHRISTINA.

CHRISTINA: You need to hide CLUZET right away. No time explain, lives at risk! Go!

 

_Prison_

Everyone obstructs the DUKE as much as possible while the MUSKETEERS run around getting CLUZET, the OLD GUY, out of his cell and substituting SERGE, the cook who’s definitely always been hanging around the garrison.

The DUKE arrives at the cell.

DUKE: Unlock this door.

CARDINAL: Why, it’s pointless, there’s nothing here, I think this cell is actually empty! (looks at the guard) Open it up right now, why are you keeping us waiting, do it!

D'ARTAGNAN the GUARD opens the cell. The DUKE strides in and SERGE the PRISONER looks up hopefully.

DUKE: ...GONTARD, you’re fired.

GONTARD: (whimpers)

 

_Garrison_

MARSAC sneaks in, rather pointlessly as there aren’t any actual guards. ARAMIS has come around and is on the way. MARSAC finds TREVILLE in the armoury.

MARSAC: Oh, that’s handy. Now we can have a really cool fight using loads of weaponry.

TREVILLE: They aren’t loaded.

MARSAC: Forget that, then. I’ll just kill you.

ARAMIS: Nope, no killing today.

Now it’s a Mexican standoff, except TREVILLE doesn’t have any weapons and has to basically just stand there.

MARSAC: I want to know why he did it!

TREVILLE: The KING told me to. He was protecting his sister CHRISTINA, who is also his spy in SAVOY. CLUZET was spying for someone else and he got suspicious, so the CARDINAL cooked up the whole thing. He told me you guys wouldn’t get hurt.

ARAMIS: Well, that answers everything. Stand down, MARSAC.

MARSAC: Nope. (tricks ARAMIS into shooting him)

(Remainder of this scene cut because it’s very hard to make something like that funny)

 

_Louvre Palace_

The treaty is signed and CHRISTINA is safe.

 

_Somewhere_

D'ARTAGNAN’s teaching method is _very_ hands on. CONSTANCE is not complaining.

 

_Somewhere else_

ARAMIS and TREVILLE stand over MARSAC’s grave. He’s been buried with the other fallen twenty. For being five years old, those graves look pretty fresh…

 

_Next time_

PORTHOS is in trouble, and someone’s killing Catholics maybe.


	5. The Homecoming

HOMECOMING

 

_Paris_

PORTHOS wakes up lying in a road.

 

_Earlier_

PORTHOS shoots a melon off ARAMIS’ head. This seems to be what passes for entertainment.

 

_Paris_

PORTHOS sees another melon in the street. Also a dead guy, but the melon’s got to be important, right?

ALL THE INTERCHANAGABLE RED GUARDS arrive and arrest him.

 

_Prison_

The other INSEPARABLES attempt to comfort PORTHOS, but since no one has any idea what happened including PORTHOS, they’re not doing very well.

D'ARTAGNAN: There there.

ARAMIS: I will tempt fate by suggesting we might get lucky with the judge.

PORTHOS: I’d rather you didn’t, to be honest.

 

_Court_

JUDGE: What, someone is dead and this guy was in the vicinity? I don’t like the cut of his jib. Hang him at once!

TREVILLE: Oi!

JUDGE: (rolls eyes) Very well, can you explain yourself?

PORTHOS: My birthday party got boring after I tried to kill ARAMIS, so I went for a drink in a terrible part of town, and then I don’t remember what happened after that. The really drunk old lady was nice, though.

JUDGE: How touching. Hang him at once!

D'ARTAGNAN attempts to start a riot, but the others stop him. However, they haven’t noticed the random cloaked figures who start shooting and slashing people, including PORTHOS, and then make off with him in a cart. D'ARTAGNAN shoots one of the figures and they find a fleur de lis on his neck. Apparently it’s the symbol of MUSKETEERS and CRIMINALS at the same time, which must be terribly confusing.

The INSEPARABLES head for the COURT OF MIRACLES, PARIS’ slum area, where they are greeted by scary hammering sounds, so they give up.

ARAMIS: We can’t possibly face the hammering sounds.

ATHOS: I’ll sneak in somehow.

ARAMIS: Maybe start by not announcing that quite so loudly while we’re surrounded by all the charming beggars and thieves who live here and don’t really like us.

 

_Louvre Palace_

LOUIS: We should knock down the COURT OF MIRACLES and rebuild it.

CARDINAL: We should definitely knock it down, anyway.

TREVILLE: Your Majesty, please don’t kill my MUSKETEER. He didn’t kill anyone. Today. Probably.

LOUIS: I can’t possibly make any decisions on my own. Cardinal? 

CARDINAL: Well, since he’s fled from justice into the COURT, where we can’t get at him, I’d say yes?

 

_Court of Miracles_

No one has bothered to tell PORTHOS where he is or what’s happening, apparently.

Back on the edge of the COURT, ATHOS and the others are still dithering.

ATHOS: PORTHOS grew up here.

D'ARTAGNAN: What, in the COURT? Thieves rubbing shoulders with Comtes. I love the MUSKETEERS. On that topic, are we sure PORTHOS didn’t accidentally while drunk ARAMIS GET OFF ME HE DIDN’T DO IT I TAKE IT BACK I PROMISE OOOOOOWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW

ARAMIS: (glares at him for about twenty minutes before stalking away)

Back inside, PORTHOS is dumped on the floor in some room. One of the cloaked figures takes off his cloak.

PORTHOS: Sharon.

CHARON: Sorry, did you just call me SHARON?

PORTHOS: Don’t be ridiculous.

CHARON: So did you kill the guy?

PORTHOS: I know as much about it as you do.

CHARON: (is shifty)

 

_That terrible pub PORTHOS was in_

Drunk Old Lady is still drunk.

DOL: I do love a MUSKETEER. The other one was better looking, though.

D'ARTAGNAN: (quietly sniggering)

DOL: He had a fight with some guy I didn’t know. Some rich guy.

ARAMIS pays her.

DOL: Oh, now you’re more handsome. Funny how that works.

 

_Outside that terrible pub PORTHOS was in, on the street where PORTHOS woke up_

ARAMIS: There is no blood here, so the rich young guy wasn’t killed here.

D'ARTAGNAN: Forensics is brilliant!

ARAMIS: I’m glad you think so, because we’re going to poke at dead bodies now.

 

_Morgue_

POUPART: I’m not ARTHUR WEASLEY, but I play him at parties.

ARAMIS: Why are you cutting up bodies? Especially a body you’ve identified as being nobility?

POUPART: Because science.

ARAMIS: Well, enjoy Hell. We’ll be going now.

D'ARTAGNAN: (raiding the dead guy’s effects)

 

_Court_

ATHOS is being very discrete in a massive cloak with a hood so deep he’s got to be falling over people.

In CHARON’S ruling chamber, because the slums have a King apparently and he’s it, one of the hooded figures saunters over and pulls off her hood.

PORTHOS: Flea.

FLEA: How did we end up with the crappy names and you got PORTHOS?

PORTHOS: I picked it myself.

FLEA: Damnit.

CHARON: (stamps ‘Property of CHARON’ all over her)

PORTHOS: Oh. You’re together. That’s…nice.

CHARON: Uh huh. Get some rest now. Tomorrow we’re going to sneak you out of here so the rest of us don’t get in trouble.

PORTHOS: The MUSKETEERS didn’t get deeper than about half a street. Who’s going to give you trouble?

FLEA: You should take your clothes off now.

PORTHOS: Well, it’s rude to argue with a lady…

ATHOS is wandering around apparently at random when he falls over some of CHARON’s guards. He’s winning the fight until CHARON sneaks up on him with a gun.

ATHOS: Take me to see PORTHOS.

CHARON: No.

ATHOS: Give him a message.

CHARON: No.

ATHOS: You’re a terrible person.

CHARON: No. Wait, yes. Get him out of here.

The guards bundle him out.

 

_Garrison_

TREVILLE: This boy was from the de Mauvosin family –

D'ARTAGNAN: Sorry, can you pronounce that again?

TREVILLE: No. They used to be rich, but now they’re poor. Go tell the father EMILE his son’s dead and find out if he knows anything. Maybe the other order, though.

 

_De Mauvosin house_

Poor they might be, but they still live in a stonking great house. EMILE is praying on a rosary when the INSEPARABLES come in.

D'ARTAGNAN produces the son’s watch.

EMILE: Damnit!

ATHOS: Know anyone who’d want to kill your son?

EMILE: …no.

EMILE’S SERVANT: (is shifty)

 

_Court_

PORTHOS: Maybe I killed him.

FLEA: Bet you didn’t.

PORTHOS: I should stay here and try to find out.

FLEA: Nope, you should run away and forget your MUSKETEER friends the way you forgot us.

PORTHOS: (blinks)

FLEA: (storms off)

 

_A house in Paris_

The INSEPARABLES break into the dead son’s rooms. He’s been burning paper.

ATHOS: He was hiding something.

ARAMIS: Or he was cold.

They are attacked by a cloaked figure, who gets away just in time.

ARAMIS: Maybe that person was burning these papers, and not the son at all.

D'ARTAGNAN: He bought masses of gunpowder.

ATHOS: And he was a Protestant.

ARAMIS: Was not, they’re Catholics!

ATHOS: Was so was so. Go find this Protestant preacher referenced in this unburnt scrap of paper.

 

_Court_

CHARON: The MUSKETEERS have abandoned you. Only I am still your friend.

PORTHOS: (weeps into his wine cup)

The cloaked figure attacks CHARON or maybe PORTHOS. CHARON chucks a knife at him and he runs off.

 

_Protestant Church_

ARAMIS: Protestants are such joyless people.

PREACHER: Burn in Hell.

D'ARTAGNAN: What do you know about the dead guy?

PREACHER: Which dead guy is that?

D'ARTAGNAN: The Catholic one.

PREACHER: de Mauvosin? EMILE only converted to Catholicism to lick LOUIS’ boots. His son was a member of my congregation.

ARAMIS: I hate you Protestants, but I will put money in your collection plate anyway. There! What do you think of that!

PREACHER: Excellent, now maybe we won’t all freeze to death.

ARAMIS: Yes, well…enjoy being warm!

 

_De Mauvosin house_

EMILE: I am sad my son is dead. Maybe I should go back in time and try to save him. Oh, no, wait, that’s something else.

ATHOS: (produces the gunpowder receipt) Your son was a terrorist, maybe.

EMILE: Idiot boy. I forgive him.

 

_Court_

PORTHOS uses the medical skills he suddenly has to patch up CHARON.

FLEA: You shouldn’t have left.

PORTHOS: You shouldn’t have stayed.

FLEA and PORTHOS do the nasty.

 

_Protestant Church_

The key D'ARTAGNAN snaffled from the morgue lets them into the church basement.

D'ARTAGNAN: They’re making bombs!

ARAMIS: They’re printing newsletters. Honestly, didn’t you learn anything from VADIM?

D'ARTAGNAN: I learned it really hurts getting blown up.

ATHOS spills ink and gunpowder all over the floor.

PREACHER: Hey! I have to clean that, you know!

ATHOS: You’re outnumbered.

PREACHER: God is always with me.

D'ARTAGNAN: (his actual line) I do hope he’s good with a sword.

ARAMIS: D'ARTAGNAN, please tone down the blasphemy.

ATHOS: (clears throat pointedly) PREACHER, what are you doing with gunpowder?

PREACHER: I didn’t know that was there!

ARAMIS: Was the son trying to kill you?

PREACHER: No, he was a good boy.

ATHOS: (produces the gunpowder receipt again) A good boy who bought thousands of pounds of gunpowder and left some of it here to blow you up with?

PREACHER: That’s EMILE’s handwriting, not his son’s.

 

_Court_

FLEA: Let’s not tell CHARON we did this.

PORTHOS: He’s King of the Court, FLEA, his guards are probably watching us right now.

FLEA: So romantic, you are.

Meanwhile, CHARON broods broodingly on his broody throne of brooding.

PORTHOS dreams about stumbling drunk out of the pub and seeing someone kneeling over the son’s body with a knife.

 

_De Mauvosin house_

The INSEPARABLES bust in and threaten EMILE’s SERVANT until he produces EMILE’s paperwork for them.

 

_CARDINAL’s office_

CARDINAL: I’m so tired of knowing the COURT is in our beautiful city.

EMILE: No worries, I’m dealing with that today.

CARDINAL: And your person on the inside?

EMILE: Completely loyal, doesn’t care about all the people who are going to get killed.

CARDINAL: That’s the best kind of inside person.

 

_Court_

Wine is flowing freely. FLEA is suspicious, because they’re poorer than dirt.

CHARON: Don’t be so suspicious, have a drink. PORTHOS PORTHOS PORTHOS.

FLEA: I don’t know anything about PORTHOS!

PORTHOS, who is running around looking for CHARON, literally falls into a massive pile of gunpowder, primed to go off. Instead of taking out the fuses, he goes off again.

CHARON: We’re leaving.

FLEA: What?

CHARON: Did you enjoy sleeping with PORTHOS?

FLEA: I’m so confused. Are you angry with me or trying to save me?

CHARON: Either way, the Court’s finished and so are you unless you come with me.

PORTHOS: Come look at the thing I found!

 

_Garrison_

TREVILLE: de Mauvosin has bought all the houses inside the COURT, even though no one collects rent there, but still he owns half of Paris. If only there was some way to move the COURT off the land he’d be rich again.

EMILE: You’re so smart.

D'ARTAGNAN: Geez, who dressed you? Little Lord Fauntleroy?

EMILE: Shut up, you arrested my servant, I had to dress myself.

D'ARTAGNAN: It shows.

EMILE: Shut up and get out, you don’t have a warrant.

ATHOS: Confess to treason, first?

EMILE: Sure, why not. You don’t have much time, though, everything’s going to happen at noon.

 

_Court_

De Mauvosin’s men are wandering around with lit torches in the middle of the day. Everyone is too drunk to care.

FLEA: Gunpowder!

PORTHOS: Yep, enough to kill everyone here. Now, before I remove the fuses, I will just tell you that I now remember leaving the pub and finding someone with a gun leaning over the son, which is weird because he wasn’t killed there.

The INSEPARABLES are walking through the Court. Apparently they’re allowed in there now.

 

_De Mauvosin house_

TREVILLE: You planted gunpowder at that church to incriminate your son.

EMILE: He was useless. Didn’t want to be part of killing hundreds of people! I mean really, what could I do but buy gunpowder in his name, kill him and let someone else take the blame?

TREVILLE: Why buy gunpowder in his name and then kill him? He can’t take the blame for anything dead.

EMILE: Because shut up.

 

_Court_

PORTHOS: …so the old guy killed the kid and when I find out who he is I can save myself. Now that I’ve said all that, I shall remove these fuses so we don’t get blown up.

CHARON: How ‘bout no, PORTHOS. I let you be the scape goat for the murder, but I saved you so you could die here getting blown up instead!

FLEA: I don’t love you any more.

CHARON: Darn.

CHARON aims at PORTHOS, but FLEA jumps in the way and gets shot. CHARON runs off and PORTHOS goes after him, because who cares about FLEA bleeding out, there’s manly fighting to be done!

The INSEPARABLES are in a running battle with de Mauvosin’s men, but the ‘triumphant’ music is playing, so we know they’re going to win.

 

_De Mauvosin house_

The clock chimes, and nothing blows up.

TREVILLE: Well, since nothing blew up on the stroke of twelve, clearly nothing will! They can’t possibly have been delayed by a few seconds, or miscalculated the fuses! You’re under arrest.

EMILE: Ehh, I don’t feel like it. I’ll trade this confession, which will clear your MUSKETEER, for five seconds alone with your pistol.

TREVILLE: You’re Catholic.

EMILE: Not really. (suicides his way out of trouble)

 

_Court_

PORTHOS: CHARON, you crazy.

CHARON: Yeah, well, if I’d just let you die I’d’ve got away with it.

PORTHOS: Maybe.

CHARON: I just wanted out of this cesspit.

PORTHOS: I got out without killing anyone! Except all the people I’ve killed as a soldier, but they don’t count.

There is a fight, which PORTHOS wins, but he doesn’t kill CHARON. When he turns away to look for the others, CHARON charges him, but then ARAMIS is there and there’s swords and it all ends badly for CHARON.

CHARON: Freedom! (dies)

 

_Court, later or maybe the next day_

FLEA is up and walking around again. Gotta love that 1630s medicine.

PORTHOS: Leave the Court?

FLEA: Leave the MUSKETEERS?

PORTHOS: Snog for the road?

FLEA: Yeah, that I can do.

The INSEPARABLES have come to collect PORTHOS, but they haven’t brought him a horse. Apparently he has to walk home.

 

_Next week_

It’s all about mothers and babies.


	6. The Exiles

THE EXILES

 

_Some quiet village_

A WOMAN wanders around with her BABY, eventually ending up at a grave. What a brilliant place to bring your quite small BABY.

ARAMIS: We are on a mission to collect a WOMAN and a BABY and bring them to PARIS for the CARDINAL.

D'ARTAGNAN: Just us two?

ARAMIS: Looks that way. Who cares. Don’t get involved, that’s my motto.

D'ARTAGNAN: (scoffs)

Meanwhile, the church is being ransacked.

BAD GUY: We’ve clearly been here for a while. Guess I should get around to asking for the WOMAN I’m chasing.

COWARDLY PRIEST: Outside.

EVEN MORE COWARDLY PRIEST: (hiding under the stairs)

The BAD GUY kills the COWARDLY PRIEST and he and his HENCHMAN go outside after the WOMAN. He practically bumps into D'ARTAGNAN at the door, but our hero notices nothing until he trips over the COWARDLY PRIEST’s body.

The BAD GUY has some complex BABY carrying device that lets him carry the BABY on his back without dropping it. While ARAMIS is busy saving the WOMAN from the HENCHMAN and D'ARTAGNAN is busy – doing things – the BAD GUY gets away with the BABY.

ARAMIS: You follow the BAD GUY, I’m sure he’s going to PARIS.

D'ARTAGNAN: Then why do I need to follow him?

ARAMIS: Because.

D'ARTAGNAN: Fine. Let’s set a meeting place in PARIS, so that if they go anywhere else I’ll be in terrible trouble.

D'ARTAGNAN leaves and ARAMIS is immediately held at knifepoint by the WOMAN.

WOMAN: WHO ARE YOU

ARAMIS: I’m ARAMIS.

WOMAN: I DON’T KNOW WHO THAT IS WHY ARE YOU HERE

ARAMIS: I’ve been sent to bring you both to PARIS. Whoops?

WOMAN: WHY

ARAMIS: You tell me. Perhaps little HENRY has someone at Court who is – oh, interested in him? Protective of him? Perhaps of a paternal nature?

WOMAN: I HAVE A HUSBAND

ARAMIS: Oh? I’m sorry, I wasn’t told. Where is he?

WOMAN: HE’S DEAD WHAT DOES THAT HAVE TO DO WITH ANYTHING

ARAMIS: …right.

 

_Some royal forest somewhere_

There is a royal hunt going on. ATHOS notices riders approaching, so KING LOUIS, QUEEN ANNE and the CARDINAL are hustled into a tent while the MUSKETEERS stay on guard.

NEWCOMER: I want to see the KING!

TREVILLE: I want a quiet life. It’s sad, isn’t it.

KING LOUIS bursts out of the tent.

KING LOUIS: You’re BANISHED and now I have to KILL YOU and why are you HERE and how can you possibly be my MOTHER you’re not nearly OLD ENOUGH!

MARIE DE MEDICI: Evil life extension. I mean… (cries) help me someone’s trying to kill me I have nowhere else to go!

KING LOUIS storms off into the tent and leaves MARIE in the arms of her bodyguard VINCENT.

KING LOUIS: Don’t let anyone kill her unless I tell them to!

 

_Some wide open plain_

D'ARTAGNAN tracks the BAD GUY and his new HENCHMAN across a wide open plain with no cover without being seen, because they can’t be bothered to look around. Maybe it would make the BABY fall out.

 

_Some quiet village_

Some VILLAGERS spit at the WOMAN.

ARAMIS: …right.

 

_Some part of PARIS_

D'ARTAGNAN follows the BAD GUY to a house and watches him go in. Handily, it’s in the cloth dyer’s district, so there’s plenty of hanging sheets and things to hide behind. Ominously, most of them are blood red.

 

_Somewhere near the Royal Hunt_

Two guys try to kill MARIE. VINCENT shoots one and rides the other down.

ATHOS: Don’t kill him!

VINCENT: (kills him)

TREVILLE: Damnit. Let’s get her back to the PALACE.

 

_Some part of the Louvre Palace_

KING LOUIS: I am conflicted.

MARIE: I want forgiveness.

KING LOUIS: (runs away)

CARDINAL: Some of MARIE’s former allies from her days of attempted throne stealing are raising militias maybe, I’ve heard rumours.

TREVILLE: (exasperated)

CARDINAL: Well, what do you want from me?

TREVILLE: Facts!

CARDINAL: Then don’t be mad when I don’t give you rumours!

TREVILLE: Look, I remember MARIE’s war –

CARDINAL: It was last year –

TREVILLE: - and I’m sure you don’t want to go back to that either.

 

_Somewhere near the Royal Hunt_

ATHOS: I am suspicious because VINCENT killed that guy.

PORTHOS: The fact that MARIE DE MEDICI is running around doesn’t make you suspicious? It’s just because her bodyguard killed the man who tried to kill her, in fact doing his job?

ATHOS: Shut up.

PORTHOS: Me, I was suspicious when none of us was hit despite the several shots fired at us, and there’s no damage to the trees, and no signs of any guns having been fired.

Athos: …Shut up.

 

_Some part of the Louvre Palace grounds_

Some background MUSKETEERS are practising, because – I guess maybe the garrison is being fumigated? TREVILLE is proctoring, but he abandons them as soon as ATHOS and PORTHOS arrive.

PORTHOS: No one shot anything, it was just a lot of smoke and noise.

ATHOS: (his actual line) Or they were the worst assassins ever.

PORTHOS: Also VINCENT totally killed them deliberately, he didn’t have to.

TREVILLE: We’ll keep an eye on him and MARIE.

BACKGROUND MUSKETEERS: (all stabnated from lack of proctoring)

 

_Some room in the Louvre Palace_

KING LOUIS is adorably nervous as QUEEN ANNE brings in MARIE.

MARIE: I felt bad because you were so young when you were made KING, so I tried to ~~steal your throne~~ take some of your burden from you.

KING LOUIS: (conflicted)

MARIE: ANNE, motherhood is awesome.

QUEEN ANNE: (diplomatic smile)

 

_Some quiet village_

The EVEN MORE COWARDLY PRIEST trudges along.

 

_…blast, I’ve ruined my naming theme. BONACIEUX house_

CONSTANCE: It’s very sad you lost your BABY. Oh, hey, here’s ARAMIS, why don’t you hang out with him and I’ll hang out with D'ARTAGNAN! For…privacy.

ARAMIS: Being separated from your own child must be a terrible, horrible burden.

WOMAN: Have you ever been in love?

ARAMIS: Once, and then she changed her mind. It was very sad.

 

_Some room in the Louvre Palace_

MARIE: Join my side against the KING, CARDINAL.

CARDINAL (considers it)

VINCENT: (ravishing MARIE)

 

_BONACIEUX house_

WOMAN: PHILLIPE, my husband, was disfigured, but he was very kind and nice, so we fell in love. When we had HENRY he was so proud he went out walking in the village.

ARAMIS: How nice.

WOMAN: The villagers beat him and then burned him to death for being ugly.

ARAMIS: …right.

 

_Some part of PARIS_

D'ARTAGNAN and CONSTANCE lurk openly across the square from the BAD GUY HOUSE.

CONSTANCE: I could help you fight.

D'ARTAGNAN: Not a chance.

CONSTANCE: But the look on AGNES’ face…

D'ARTAGNAN: Sorry, who’s AGNES?

CONSTANCE: The WOMAN.

D'ARTAGNAN: Right, right, sorry. No one said her name yet.

They watch random WOMEN go in and out. D'ARTAGNAN can’t figure it out.

CONSTANCE: Those are wet nurses, dear.

D'ARTAGNAN: (Supremely uncomfortable)

CONSTANCE: Anyway, I’d like to help AGNES get her child back so I can live vicariously through them.

D'ARTAGNAN: Oooh! I know! You could go inside!

CONSTANCE: _Excuse_ me?

D'ARTAGNAN: Yes, and you can tell us everything!

CONSTANCE: Wait! One, you said I wasn’t helping – 

D'ARTAGNAN: I’m fickle like that –

CONSTANCE: And two, I don’t meet the requirements!

D'ARTAGNAN: I’m sure you’ll think of something.

CONSTANCE: You really need to start coming up with new plans, you know.

D'ARTAGNAN: But this one works so well!

The guards don’t seem to know what the wet nurses look like. Is there an agency somewhere in PARIS?

 

_Some other part of PARIS_

EVEN MORE COWARDLY PRIEST tries to persuade some RED GUARDS to let him see the CARDINAL.

 

_Some part of MARIE’s apartments_

MARIE: I’m going to see the BABY.

VINCENT: That is a stupid idea.

MARIE: (eyebrow)

VINCENT: That is a stupid idea, your majesty.

MARIE: Better.

PORTHOS and ATHOS follow them to the BAD GUY HOUSE.

AGNES: That’s PHILLIPE’s mother.

ATHOS: …that’s the Dowager Queen of France.

AGNES: Is not!

ATHOS: We’re fairly sure.

D'ARTAGNAN: I am suddenly concerned about CONSTANCE!

 

_Somewhere the CARDINAL plots his plots_

EVEN MORE COWARDLY PRIEST: MARIE gave birth in my church, but the baby was deformed, but then there was a second one, so we hid the bad first one and raised the younger, LOUIS, as the heir. Now the bad one’s dead, but he had a son first. HENRY.

CARDINAL: I appreciate the subtitles for idiots, thank you.

 

_Some part of PARIS_

MARIE coos unnervingly at HENRY, and then attempts to watch CONSTANCE breastfeed, but eventually she gets bored and wanders off, which is lucky for CONSTANCE.

The MUSKETEERS break in and fight everyone. Despite all the noise this makes, CONSTANCE is completely unaware they’re there until ARAMIS bursts in and finds her with her corset unlaced. Not sure why, she is not in a position to breastfeed.

ARAMIS takes HENRY while CONSTANCE puts herself back together, which means when BAD GUY bursts in, CONSTANCE is the only one with a free hand, so she whips out ARAMIS’ sword…minds out of the gutter, please…and defeats BAD GUY, more or less.

D'ARTAGNAN: Anachronistic A Team reference!

CONSTANCE: (gut punch!)

D'ARTAGNAN: Touché.

 

_Some place that doesn’t look like the BONACIEUX house but might be_

AGNES plays with HENRY.

ARAMIS: Your husband’s dead, you know, you could move on. I’m sure he’d want that.

AGNES: Just because he’s dead doesn’t mean I can cheat on him.

 

_Some grassy knoll somewhere_

CARDINAL: …so I must have the child, or else MARIE will topple LOUIS in favour of him and name herself Regent, and we’ll be back to civil war, which we’re both agreed we don’t want.

 

_Some street by the garrison_

TREVILLE: …so you have to take HENRY and AGNES to the CARDINAL, where he totally won’t be disappeared or killed, honest. I’d go with you, but I’ll be busy. All afternoon. (pointed look)

 

_Some shifty transport area_

ARAMIS: …so you’re going with this completely honest and above board guy to Spain, where you won’t speak the language or know anyone.

AGNES: But I don’t want to.

ARAMIS: Well, dear, it’s that or you both die. Because moving to another village and changing your names just won’t work.

 

_Some part of the Louvre Palace_

MARIE pretends like she cares about KING LOUIS, who eats it up.

KING LOUIS: Well, I’m going hunting.

MARIE: Excellent idea, your majesty.

CARDINAL: Terrible idea, your majesty.

KING LOUIS: You suck! (flounces off)

MARIE: Ahah hah hah, my plans are all working out perfectly!

CARDINAL: (loudly) I am loyal to LOUIS.

MARIE: LOUIS? He’s a useless man and a worse king.

MARIE: (has apparently forgotten that they’re standing outside LOUIS’s door and it’s not very thick)

 

_Some shifty transport area_

The other INSEPARABLES find ARAMIS and AGNES and HENRY sitting on the ground, because those barrels right next to them are just too hard.

ATHOS: Hand over the BABY…no, all right, I give up. We’re here to help you.

D'ARTAGNAN: ‘Don’t get involved’ ?

ARAMIS: Shut up.

VINCENT and SOME GUYS appear and start roughing people up and shoving them around.

ARAMIS: Go over the bridge and I’ll come meet you, because a WOMAN and BABY is too suspicious but a MUSKETEER lugging around a BABY is fine.

AGNES: (has the most conspicuous casual walk ever)

PORTHOS and D’ARTAGNAN chuck some brandy barrels into a fire. They take forever to burn through, long enough for VINCENT to see them, ride up and glare menacingly, but not long enough for him to do anything like get down or try and ride them down or anything. PORTHOS totally does not flinch at the explosion, but D'ARTAGNAN does. Ah well, he’s young.

ARAMIS rides out of the smoke with a bundle in his arms. His clever plan is to ride directly into a massive mob, who surround him and drag him off the horse. The bundle goes over the railing of the bridge and is swept away.

 

_Some room in the Louvre Palace_

MARIE: Ha ha everything is within my grasp!

CARDINAL: Remind me again what the plan is?

MARIE repeats the plan loudly and clearly, because she’s terrible at being a villain.

CARDINAL: Excellent, thank you. TREVILLE?

TREVILLE: HENRY’s dead. Look, here’s VINCENT in chains as proof.

MARIE: That doesn’t prove anything except that VINCENT is in chains!

CARDINAL: Look, old woman –

MARIE: Kettle, pot’s calling!

CARDINAL: You’re finished. Now kindly get out.

The INSEPARABLES arrive.

CARDINAL: MARIE’s leftenant…

ATHOS: Excuse me? We are French, CARDINAL.

CARDINAL: Shut up, ATHOS. Anyway, we’re pinning the attempts to kill MARIE on VINCENT, so she can go back home and the king will never know about the coup, except for whatever he heard when we were talking loudly outside his door while he was on the other side of his door. Also I’m having EVEN MORE COWARDLY PRIEST killed, and I think that’s all the loose ends. So sad that HENRY died.

MARIE’s servants are apparently having a race down the stairs with her belongings. Let’s hope they don’t drop anything.

 

_Some barren moor_

AGNES: Go away, I hate you!

ARAMIS: And well you should. Because I lied to you. HENRY’s alive. You had to convince VINCENT, you see.

AGNES: VINCENT left about four seconds after HENRY fell off that bridge! You could have told me then!

ARAMIS hands over HENRY and some money.

ARAMIS: Go and be happy and maybe fall in love again.

The INSEPARABLES ride off, leaving AGNES alone on a moor with a small child, no supplies, and no horse.

 

_Next time_

Religion and pretty women come into conflict, and there’s an Irish priest in there as well.


	7. A Rebellious Woman

A REBELLIOUS WOMAN

 

_Streets of Paris_

People line the streets to see the royal carriage pass by. Everyone is very excited, except that ONE GUY who just wants to tie up his horse without being bothered by thieves, damn it.

ATHOS and ARAMIS abandon the royal procession to stop some random cut purses attacking some random guy. After fighting for several minutes, ONE GUY decides he doesn’t actually care that much about his stuff and tells them to let the thieves go. Way to waste everyone’s time, ONE GUY.

Meanwhile, back at the procession, a young girl hurls herself at the very fast moving carriage and then falls off and dies – somehow. Maybe being run over by a wheel? Didn’t look like she was that close, but who knows.

CONSTANCE knows her, because of course she does.

CONSTANCE: Her name is THÉRÈSE and she was with me and my cousin FLEUR – FLEUR? FLEUR? FLEUR! FLEUR? FLEUR!

PORTHOS: She’s only carrying a bit of parchment.

D'ARTAGNAN: (awkwardly waving the crowd away)

 

_A fancy home in Paris_

BLONDE WOMAN: Learning is awesome and women should be allowed to learn.

MILADY: Hear hear!

 

_The Louvre Palace_

TREVILLE: She wanted to ask the Queen to approve women’s education.

KING LOUIS: What a ridiculous idea.

QUEEN ANNE: (Too polite to say what she’s thinking)

CARDINAL: Learning is good, but sadly women learning is against the laws of church and man, so that puts an end to that.

BLONDE WOMAN: (Storms in) You should let women learn things!

CARDINAL: But then they might shout at me like you, COMTESSE NINON DE LARROQUE.

NINON: THÉRÈSE was the daughter of my servant, and I saw she was clever so I educated her.

KING LOUIS: What a ridiculous idea.

QUEEN ANNE and NINON: (eye rolls of sisterly despair)

NINON: I wrote the parchment but I didn’t know she would do this.

KING LOUIS: You’re so hot and forward thinking. Want to hang out with me?

NINON: No thanks. (stalks off)

 

_Elsewhere in the Louvre_

CARDINAL: Maybe we can find a way to get NINON’s fabulous wealth for the country’s treasury.

MILADY: I’ll see what I can do.

CARDINAL: Find something incriminating. Maybe she’s touching those girls!

MILADY: Always the first place your mind goes, isn’t it?

 

_BONACIEUX house_

CONSTANCE: But now FLEUR is missing somewhere in PARIS and I don’t know where and we have to find her!

D'ARTAGNAN: CONSTANCE, I’m sure she’s fine. Tell us about the dead girl, it’s far more important we learn about her than about the living, missing one.

CONSTANCE: COMTESSE DE LARROQUE was teaching her things. Secret things.

 

_Louvre Palace_

ATHOS and ARAMIS escort ONE GUY into the throne room.

CARDINAL: LUCA SESTINI, my old school chum!

KING LOUIS: I know that name.

SESTINI: Yes, I think the POPE should have complete and utter authority over everything the royalty do, no matter what. Including everything. And if you disobeyed it would be the duty of every loyal Catholic to hunt you down like a dog and kill you. Sire. 

KING LOUIS: Oh yes, now I remember. How – charming.

SESTINI: (Is Irish)

KING LOUIS: Hurry up and get out of PARIS.

TREVILLE: Your majesty, FLEUR is gone missing and NINON might know something about her.

CARDINAL: WHAT NINON IS KIDNAPPING GIRLS AND DOING UNSPEAKABLE THINGS TO THEM HOW SHOCKING.

TREVILLE: I didn’t say that.

CARDINAL: Well, there’s been rumours.

QUEEN ANNE: I’m sure they’re completely unfounded.

CARDINAL: Yes of course. Still, perhaps an investigation?

KING LOUIS: Yes, we must clear her. She’s far too pretty to be troubled by things like this.

QUEEN ANNE: (Is _right there_ )

 

_NINON’s fancy home in PARIS_

ATHOS: Anyone seen FLEUR? FLEUR? FLEUR! FLEUR? FLEUR!

PORTHOS: Don’t you start.

MILADY sees them coming, so she subtly hides behind a pillar exactly where they’re looking. Well done, MILADY.

NINON: I do wish you wouldn’t upset my girls. But you’re very handsome. But you’re probably not very bright.

ARAMIS: (amused)

NINON: FLEUR isn’t here, and if she was I wouldn’t let you take her back to her family, they just want to marry her off. Bye bye.

ATHOS: I really should look around.

NINON: Are you sad, or slow? If you tell me, I’ll let you look for FLEUR.

ATHOS: I will keep my secrets, thank you.

NINON: Well all right then, I’d better let you look in my bedroom! You other men, don’t ogle my girls, they don’t like it.

NINON leads ATHOS away. MILADY is really not happy about this.

 

_CARDINAL’s office_

SESTINI: You could be the next POPE if you played your cards right.

CARDINAL: You mean if I betray my country’s interests to better serve SPAIN, who are pulling the POPE’s strings at the moment? No, thank you.

SESTINI: Oh well. Here, have a random bone from a supposedly holy person.

CARDINAL: (Is somehow not disgusted by this)

SESTINI: It’s from ST ANTHONY, the patron saint of lost things.

CARDINAL: I haven’t lost anything.

SESTINI: No, no. Of course you haven’t.

 

_NINON’s bedroom_

NINON: We’ve looked everywhere and FLEUR isn’t here, and oh look, this is my bedroom.

ATHOS: Yes. So it is.

NINON: Would you like to see it again later?

ATHOS: I can see it now. We’re still in it.

NINON: (Kisses him)

ATHOS is touching her waist, the hoor. Now they’ll have to get married.

 

_NINON’s house_

MILADY: And you kissed him?

NINON: Yes, why not?

MILADY: You should dump him, he’s no good.

NINON: How do you know?

MILADY: I DON’T KNOW WHAT YOU MEAN I NEVER SAW HIM BEFORE IS FLEUR HIDING HERE YOU CAN TELL ME GO ON.

NINON: (Vague smile)

 

_The morgue_

ATHOS: So I thought for our date I’d take you to see Thérèse’s body. Because that’s always romantic.

NINON: You are a bad man, but I did not cause this death.

POUPART: Still not ARTHUR WEASLEY.

ATHOS: Hey, there’s that guy who stole SESTINI’s bag this morning. How strange that he should be dead now. POUPART, make sure nothing happens to this bag.

 

_Streets of PARIS_

ATHOS: So, are you – you know, with women – do you hate men?

NINON: No. I just like being in charge of my money and my things and my body, and if I get married I won’t be.

ATHOS: Good thing I hate marriage.

There is maybe a moment sparking, but ARAMIS interrupts them by throwing a RED GUARD out of NINON’s house.

ATHOS: Why are you even here!

ARAMIS: You weren’t getting drunk in any of the usual spots, we got worried.

ATHOS and ARAMIS beat up RED GUARDS while girls scream and NINON tries to save her books. Because that’s what’s important.

INTERCHANGABLE RED GUARD: OH LOOK WE FOUND SOME GIRLS INCLUDING FLEUR HIDDEN AWAY IN A HIDDEN ROOM HIDDEN IN THEIR SLEEPWEAR!

OTHER INTERCHANGABLE RED GUARD: Excellent, let’s parade them through PARIS like that.

ATHOS: She was here all along! You lied to me!

NINON: I’ve known you for ten minutes!

INTERCHANGABLE RED GUARD: You’re under arrest, NINON.

 

_Louvre Palace_

CARDINAL: She was holding young women! Possibly doing things to them maybe there’s a chance!

TREVILLE: They say not.

CARDINAL: Well, they’re young, what do they know.

KING LOUIS: What about NINON, is she all right?

CARDINAL: We stuck her in a monastery. I’ll put up a trial for her.

SESTINI: She’s probably a witch.

KING LOUIS: How did you even get such an Italian name when you’re so clearly Irish? 

SESTINI: God moves in mysterious ways, your majesty.

KING LOUIS: NINON’s far too pretty to be a witch.

 

_The monastery_

The INSEPARABLES, minus D'ARTAGNAN, arrive at the monastery with NINON.

PORTHOS: Do we actually believe in witchcraft?

ATHOS: Doesn’t matter, she lied about the girls, she deserves this.

ARAMIS: She was protecting them, not lying to you.

ATHOS: So? Do I look like I care? Do I look bothered?

ARAMIS: NINON, I don’t think you did this and I don’t think God would be angry at you either. Here, have a rosary I was given by the QUEEN.

NINON: Third hand rosary, how kind.

 

_BONACIEUX house_

FLEUR is very sad.

CONSTANCE: You’re poor, you have to accept your fate.

FLEUR: You’re poor and you hate your fate!

CONSTANCE: Yes, well.

FLEUR’s FATHER, BAUDIN, arrives and shoves her around a bit.

D'ARTAGNAN: Oi. Quit it.

BAUDIN: (snarls and leaves with FLEUR)

 

_CARDINAL’s office_

BAUDIN: My FLEUR’s a good girl.

CARDINAL: Well, if she _tells the truth_ , she doesn’t have anything to worry about.

BAUDIN: And then I can marry her off.

CARDINAL: Whatever floats your boat.

 

_The monastery courtroom_

CARDINAL: Do you want to confess?

NINON: To what?

CARDINAL: FLEUR! Tell us what happened.

FLEUR: Can I have some water, please?

FLEUR holds the glass in the most awkward, red herring inducing way possible.

FLEUR: NINON taught us things.

CARDINAL: She abused you!

FLEUR: What? No. That’s not what I said!

CARDINAL: You’re dismissed!

The CARDINAL drinks from FLEUR’s glass, because that’s not gross at all.

CARDINAL: Next witness!

MILADY: She drugged me and touched me in – places.

ATHOS: Liar! She’s lying! She tells lies!

CARDINAL: Shut up, ATHOS.

MILADY: (Side eyes ATHOS as she leaves)

CARDINAL: So, NINON, you’re guilty. We’re going to burn you.

QUEEN ANNE: No, I think not. NINON, unless you confess absolutely on your own, you’re fine. Well, you won’t get killed, anyway.

CARDINAL: (choking, hacking, falls over)

 

_A bedroom in the monastery_

ARAMIS: We should make him vomit!

TREVILLE: Will that help?

ARAMIS: Possibly, but more importantly, it’ll be entertaining as hell.

KING LOUIS, who is there for some reason, throws himself across the CARDINAL’s body and weeps and mourns and generally gets in the way of the people who are actually trying to help him.

 

_Grounds of the monastery_

QUEEN ANNE: Are you cheating on me with NINON?

ARAMIS: We aren’t doing anything I could cheat on.

QUEEN ANNE: I saw my rosary on her neck.

ARAMIS: She’s facing being burned alive for witchcraft, I thought she might like to pray. You know you’re the only woman I look tenderly at.

 

_The monastery courtroom_

PORTHOS: So, who wanted the CARDINAL dead?

ARAMIS: Everyone?

PORTHOS: Who wanted him dead and had a chance to do it?

ARAMIS: Everyone?

PORTHOS: You’re really not helping.

ARAMIS: I’m making up for ATHOS, he’s too busy brooding to be any help.

 

_Garrison_

ARAMIS: Did you poison the CARDINAL?

FLEUR: No.

CONSTANCE: …you idiot, why would she?

PORTHOS: Don’t start listing reasons, ARAMIS, we’ll be here all night.

FLEUR: I have to go prepare for my wedding to some old guy I’ve never met before. 

 

_A bedroom in the monastery_

The CARDINAL trustingly drinks water from MILADY and then asks her whether she poisoned him. Good sense of priorities, that man.

CARDINAL: Make NINON confess. And tell me what’s between you and ATHOS.

MILADY: Yes, and no.

CARDINAL: Well, then, give me my bone.

MILADY: (eyebrow raise)

CARDINAL: I am a CARDINAL, you know.

MILADY: As if that ever stopped anyone. Here’s your disgusting bit of dead guy.

CARDINAL: Excellent. With this I can’t fail.

MILADY: You haven’t lost anything. Except your health.

CARDINAL: Saints can help with things they aren’t the patron of!

 

_A street in PARIS_

CONSTANCE: BAUDIN, don’t marry FLEUR off.

BAUDIN: Eh, what the hell.

 

_A cell in the monastery_

MILADY: Confess, or I will have all your little girls accused.

NINON: You’re such a – b word.

MILADY: You’re not the first to say so.

 

_A bedroom in the monastery_

CARDINAL: Excellent, have her killed.

MILADY: Sure.

CARDINAL: Which way do you think you’re going when you die?

MILADY: There’s nowhere to go when you die.

CARDINAL: Such a heretic. I’ve done some bad stuff, so I hope I don’t die now or I’ll be going down.

MILADY: Can’t be any worse than this.

CARDINAL: Life and soul, you are.

 

_The morgue_

ATHOS: How did the guy who stole this bag die, POUPART?

POUPART: He was drinking in a pub and then he choked, hacked and fell down.

ARAMIS and PORTHOS practise the advanced forensics method of sniffing the dead guy’s mouth.

ATHOS: Here, D'ARTAGNAN, let’s you and me handle everything in this bag.

D'ARTAGNAN: Why is it all wet?

ATHOS: It’s poisoned. Did I forget to mention that?

D'ARTAGNAN: …yes. You forgot to mention that.

ATHOS: This is SESTINI’s bag, the poison was in here, so he’s the one trying to kill the CARDINAL. And he’s still at the monastery. MUSKETEERS, away!

NO ONE: (does anything)

ATHOS: All right, fine, we hate him, but we still have to save him, come on.

 

_The monastery_

Various preparations are being made for the BURNINATING. The INSEPARABLES thunder up and start stopping random priests looking for SESTINI. Eventually they decide it’ll save time if they go to the CARDINAL’s room, since they know SESTINI will have to go there at some point. 

SESTINI is already there, so ARAMIS shoots him.

CARDINAL: How nice of you to finally get here.

ATHOS: Look, SESTINI was the one trying to kill you, not NINON, so c’mon, let her go.

CARDINAL: Weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeellll…

Meanwhile, NINON’s pyre is being lit.

CARDINAL: …lllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllll…

Meanwhile, NINON’s starting to get crispy.

CARDINAL: …llllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllll…

ATHOS: CARDINAL!

CARDINAL: All right, fine. She has to stop trying to tell women they’re entitled to be people.

ATHOS and PORTHOS tear the pyre apart while ARAMIS stops the RED GUARDS from interfering and D'ARTAGNAN – does something.

CARDINAL: We’re going to pass SESTINI’s body off as yours and pretend you’re dead, so the Crown gets all your stuff. If you keep quiet, you’ll get a little money to live on. Somewhere very far away from here.

NINON: You’re going to pass an Irish Italian male priest who died of a gunshot off as me.

CARDINAL: Yes. What’s the problem here?

NINON: Here, ARAMIS, this rosary’s a bit rich for me now. You’d better have it back.

The CARDINAL monologues about how from now on he’s going to take what he wants and not let anyone stand in his way. The INSEPARABLES don’t seem to be listening, which is kind of a shame, really.

 

_CARDINAL’s office_

The CARDINAL sends SESTINI’s ashes to the POPE. The messenger walks off while the CARDINAL’s still dictating his message. People keep doing that. If those are SESTINI’s ashes, what is he passing off as NINON? Maybe just regular ashes.

MILADY is standing around right there in the open, which seems to be against the whole point of her being a secret assassin and spy.

MILADY: You probably won’t be POPE now.

CARDINAL: Eh, I’d never leave FRANCE.

 

_Forest road somewhere_

NINON: You should be careful of that woman you accused of lying.

ATHOS: I will.

NINON: Shame we’re neither of us the marrying type.

ATHOS: Yes. Isn’t it.

NINON: Kiss for the road?

ATHOS: All right.

NINON rides out of his life.

 

_BONACIEUX house_

FLEUR: I don’t have to get married! Someone changed my father’s mind! I bet it was NINON, she’s so pretty and clever!

CONSTANCE: Yes, I…bet it was.

FLEUR: (dances back out of the house)

D'ARTAGNAN: Clearly you did it.

CONSTANCE: Ridiculous boy.

CONSTANCE attempts to silence D'ARTAGNAN by putting her fingers on his lips. That’s a great way to discourage him, CONSTANCE.

D'ARTAGNAN: Ridiculously in love. WHO SAID LOVE THAT WASN’T ME I DIDN’T SAY MMMMPH…

D'ARTAGNAN finds CONSTANCE attached to his face. He is not remotely upset by this. Hopefully he’s going to help CONSTANCE pick up all those things he’s knocking over, though. You know, afterwards. When they’re finished.

 

_Next week_

D'ARTAGNAN gets a bit huffy, and VINNIE JONES smashes things up real good.


	8. The Challenge

THE CHALLENGE

 

_Streets of Paris near the Garrison_

The INSEPARABLES are escorting a tied up VINNIE JONES through the streets. D'ARTAGNAN looks very grumpy today.

INTERCHANGABLE RED GUARD: Hand over that man, MARTIN LABARGE.

ARAMIS: What, the only man we’ve met with two names? No.

INTERCHANGABLE RED GUARD: But the CARDINAL wants him.

PORTHOS: CARDINAL can get in line, LABARGE killed two MUSKETEERS.

INTERCHANGABLE RED GUARD: Go on.

ATHOS: Fine. He’s very dangerous and nasty.

INTERCHANGABLE RED GUARD: Uh huh, I’m sure.

The INTERCHANGABLE RED GUARDS are promptly massacred by LABARGE. The INSEPARABLES roll their eyes and sigh and eventually peel LABARGE off and knock him out.

SURVIVING INTERCHANGABLE RED GUARD: This is all your fault! There’s exactly four of us left. We demand a simultaneous duel!

ATHOS: Well, we do have this dangerous prisoner to deliver, but what the hey. We’ve caught him twice now, I’m sure we’ll be able to catch him again if he gets away.

Much simultaneous duelling ensues.

 

_Louvre Palace_

CARDINAL: This is all your guys’ fault.

TREVILLE: Nu uh! If your stupid Intendant hadn’t started massacring his way through Gascony, my men wouldn’t have had to get involved at all!

CARDINAL: Still, you should have left the matter to my guards. They’re far better than yours.

TREVILLE: Are not, are not, are not!

LOUIS: I know! We’ll have a duel between one of your guys and one of your guys! That will definitely settle everything forever.

TREVILLE: Unlike the duels we have all the time? Like the one the INSEPARABLES had just a little while ago?

LOUIS: Shut up and have a duel.

 

_BONCIEUX house_

D'ARTAGNAN and CONSTANCE smooch around the kitchen until BONACIEUX comes in.

BONACIEUX: Where’s your rent?

D'ARTAGNAN: Oh, my farm in GASCONY hasn’t sent me any money lately. That’s GASCONY. Where LABARGE was running around killing people and destroying stuff very recently.

BONACIEUX: Have you checked in with whoever’s running your farm?

D'ARTAGNAN: Oh, no, I’m sure they’re fine. 

BONACIEUX: Good, because that’s your only source of income, and I doubt you’ll ever be a MUSKETEER. (sniffs haughtily, leaves)

D'ARTAGNAN: Are you sure I can’t hit him? Just a little bit?

CONSTANCE: No hitting!

 

_Garrison_

TREVILLE: We’re having a competition between the MUSKETEERS and the RED GUARDS. Everyone pays 30 livres to enter and whatever MUSKETEER gets chosen to fight will win it all. Because we’re going to beat those stupid RED GUARDS and prove the MUSKETEERS are better. In conclusion: MUSKETEERS. That is all.

 

_Some RED GUARD garrison somewhere_

CARDINAL: We’re definitely going to beat the MUSKETEERS. Who’s the best GUARD here?

INTERCHANGABLE RED GUARD: LABARGE killed him.

 

_Some Prison_

LABARGE: Grrghaknjesojk.

INTERCHANGABLE RED GUARD: Sorry, what?

LABARGE: (Stabnation with a fork)

 

_Garrison_

ARAMIS: Well, I’m poor right now, so I’d better go find a nice rich lady to bankroll my entry.

PORTHOS: Yes. I’d better do that too. Shame we don’t know anyone rich who might be willing to help out.

ATHOS: (Obliviously watching D'ARTAGNAN sulk)

D'ARTAGNAN: Just cos I’m not a stupid MUSKETEER I can’t enter the stupid MUSKETEER competition. It’s so unfair.

ATHOS: Keep tossing that dagger, you’ll lose a finger and then you definitely won’t be able to enter. Did you ask TREVILLE if he’d let you in?

D'ARTAGNAN: (sulking)…no.

 

_Church_

Apparently this is where all the wealthy people go to hook up. ARAMIS goes for the woman with husband and three lovers while PORTHOS kindly picks Alice, the widow, instead. PORTHOS is adorably nervous and confused. She seems to like that.

 

_Garrison, TREVILLE’s office_

D'ARTAGNAN: I want to compete.

TREVILLE: Well, you can’t. You can’t pay the entry fee.

D'ARTAGNAN: My money’s just delayed!

TREVILLE: Listen, D'ARTAGNAN. You remember how LABARGE was running around GASCONY, killing people and destroying stuff?

D'ARTAGNAN: Yes. So?

TREVILLE: Where’s your farm again?

D'ARTAGNAN: GASCONY. So?

TREVILLE: Actually, no, it’s scattered to the four winds. LABARGE destroyed it because everyone loved your father so much.

D'ARTAGNAN: My father’s been dead for months! What was the point of that?

TREVILLE: Sadly, you’re now a pauper. Have a nice day.

D'ARTAGNAN does his best KEVIN THE TEENAGER flop against a wall outside.

 

_Streets of Paris near the BONACIEUX house_

D'ARTAGNAN: …so if I can only raise the money, I can enter the competition, and if I win, I can represent the MUSKETEERS against the RED GUARD, and if I win, I might maybe get a commission perhaps if I’m lucky. But I can’t get any money without a commission! It’s a tricky conundrum.

CONSTANCE: Well, I’m sure you’ll manage.

D'ARTAGNAN: Yeah. Sure. I’ll just magic some money out of thin air. 

 

_ALICE’s house_

PORTHOS seems to be on a date now. That was quick work.

PORTHOS: HOW NICE TO BE SURROUNDED BY THE BELONGINGS OF YOUR HUSBAND, WHO WAS ALSO MY FRIEND, TO HELP YOU REMEMBER HIM.

ALICE: Oh, would you like something? Here, have this solid gold candle snuffer.

PORTHOS: Why, that must be worth 30 livres! ….which is completely irrelevant to everything. Thank you. You’re very kind.

 

_Garrison_

ATHOS: Now remember, when you fight you want to control your emotions, otherwise the other guy’s going to win.

D'ARTAGNAN: Good advice.

ATHOS: LABARGE.

D'ARTAGNAN immediately loses the fight and storms off.

TREVILLE: Well done, ATHOS.

ATHOS: I’m trying to teach him not to have emotions!

TREVILLE: Yes, great technique there. Go make sure he doesn’t get himself killed. I don’t have any actual work for you today.

 

_CARDINAL’s office_

D'ARTAGNAN storms in.

D'ARTAGNAN: CARDINAL, your stupid LABARGE destroyed my farm and left me penniless!

CARDINAL: Well, your commission from the MUSKEETERS – oh, how careless of me, I forgot you don’t have one yet. Want to be a RED GUARD?

D'ARTAGNAN: Let me think no.

CARDINAL: Too bad for you, then.

D'ARTAGNAN storms out.

MILDAY sashays out of the other door.

MILADY: Poor D'ARTAGNAN.

CARDINAL: What, ATHOS and now D'ARTAGNAN?

MILADY: Everything I do, I do it for you.

CARDINAL: Liar. Stop doing things I haven’t told you to do.

 

_Streets of Paris near the BONACIEUX house_

BONACIEUX is kidnapped by INTERCHANGABLE RED GUARDS.

 

_CARDINAL’s office_

CARDINAL: I understand you’re flat broke. I could maybe give you some work, but I’d need you to do something for me.

BONACIEUX: Yes…?

CARDINAL: That boy who lives with you…

BONACIEUX: Want him dead? I can do – I can hire people to do that.

CARDINAL: No. I just want to know everything about him and where he goes and what he does and who he sees.

BONACIEUX: Well, that’s not creepy at all. Sure thing.

 

_Apparently very loosely guarded prison_

D'ARTAGNAN wanders around until he finds LABARGE’s cell, which – has no door. That seems like a security risk.

D'ARTAGNAN: LABARGE!

LABARGE: Gahuejwn afhuijnm!

D'ARTAGNAN: Why are you saying you burned down my farm? How do you burn down a _farm_? There’s hardly any up in it to start with! Anyway, confess you _destroyed_ it so I can get compensation and enter the competition to be the MUSKETEER Champion and enter the duel –

LABARGE: (Attacks)

D'ARTAGNAN: I wasn’t finished!

Sadly, D'ARTAGNAN has not learned this week’s moral yet, so LABARGE quickly beats him. ATHOS gets there in time to stop him tearing D'ARTAGNAN’s head off, though.

For some reason, it’s very important for the boys to sneak around once they’re out of the prison.

 

_Streets of Paris, not any of the ones we’ve had so far_

ATHOS is attacked by a wild MILADY!

The wild MILADY uses ATTRACT. ATHOS is infatuated by the wild MILADY! ATHOS cannot attack!

ATTRACT’s effects wear off.

The wild MILADY flees.

ATHOS uses BROOD.

 

_Garrison_

ATHOS: Right, I’m going to say mean things to try and throw you off your game. For practise. This isn’t real.

D'ARTAGNAN: Ten four.

ATHOS: You suck and you’ll never be a MUSKETEER.

D'ARTAGNAN: (falls down)

 

_LABARGE’s doorless cell_

The CARDINAL arrives.

LABARGE: Grnejakgfvnrh?

CARDINAL: I want to make you an offer.

LABARGE: Grneuoasjfruyewjka.

 

_Streets of Paris, near the BONACIEUX house_

RANDOM TRADER: Your old belongings are shit.

CONSTANCE: But you’ll pay me for them anyway. (Bats her eyelids)

The RANDOM TRADER does the thing that only works on TV, where he pours out a random amount of coin and somehow it’s exactly the right amount. I wish I could do that. 

 

_BONACIEUX house_

D'ARTAGNAN is leaving. A wild MILADY appears!

MILADY: Here, have some money.

D'ARTAGNAN: Why, exactly?

MILADY: Well, let’s see. We had sex, and now I’m paying you…

D'ARTAGNAN: That’s so not fair! That was months ago!

MILADY: I know, I’m very slow at paying my debts. It drives my seamstress mad.

MILADY saunters off. BONACIEUX has been watching with great interest.

CONSTANCE: Is that the creepy woman? What’re you doing talking to her?

D'ARTAGNAN: She just paid my entry fee!

CONSTANCE: Yeah, and what does she want in return?

D'ARTAGNAN: Are you jealous?

CONSTANCE: Shut up and go poke things with swords.

 

_ALICE’s house_

ALICE: My husband didn’t like frivolous things like nice food or his lovely wife or comfortable clothes. Golden candle snuffer, though, he was all over that.

PORTHOS: Sounds like you’ve been terribly deprived shall we do the sex?

ALICE: Sure.

 

_BONACIEUX house_

BONACIEUX searches D'ARTAGNAN’s room in the most half hearted, effeminate way possible. Luckily, he finds MILADY’s purse in the very first place he looks, and that’s apparently enough evidence of whatever it is he’s trying to get evidence of.

 

_Garrison_

The boys pay their entry fees and begin the competition with shooting. They use stands and take about five minutes to aim, because that’s how it always works when you’re a MUSKETEER. ARAMIS is so good he doesn’t even watch as he shoots.

PORTHOS wins in the hand to hand. He’s wearing his pauldron over his special padded hand to hand shirt. That must make getting changed awkward if that thing has to go on and off every time.

ARAMIS and an extremely mud splattered D'ARTAGNAN posture at each other for a while before getting down to sword fighting. ATHOS doesn’t seem to be fighting even though he took part in the shooting. Maybe he’s given up.

D'ARTAGNAN’S THEME swells on the soundtrack as he…does well.

 

_RED GUARD garrison_

CARDINAL: Here’s your new captain.

INTERCHANGABLE RED GUARD: But he’s the only reason we need a new captain!

LABARGE: Grenagrjuiagbjrklewr!

INTERCHANGABLE RED GUARD: How dare you! My mother was a saint!

LABARGE beats him into the dirt.

TREVILLE has been watching from so far away he must have bionic eyes.

 

_BONACIUEX house_

BONACIEUX: I’ve got a new job and we’re going to be rich and I’ll buy you pretty things and make you happy!

CONSTANCE: How…kind.

 

_ALICE’s ~~bed~~ house_

ALICE: We could go travelling together. If you left the MUSKETEERS and came with me.

PORTHOS: Yes, we…sure could.

 

_BONACIEUX house_

D'ARTAGNAN, having learned from LABARGE, leaves his door open while he’s searching for MILADY’s purse.

CONSTANCE: Lose something?

D'ARTAGNAN: I’m just standing here, where’d you get that idea from?

CONSTANCE: I’m sure you’ll find it, you only own about four things.

D'ARTAGNAN: Three things. I don’t have a farm any more. Anyway, I have to go see who’s going to get to be the MUSKETEER Champion.

CONSTANCE: I’m sorry I was jealous of MILADY.

D'ARTAGNAN: (his actual line) You shine so brightly in my eyes, it puts every other woman in the shade.

CONSTANCE: …I think my corset’s on too tight. Please stop holding my hand, though, we’re in public.

D'ARTAGNAN: I could kiss you instead.

CONSTANCE: All right, I don’t see why – hang on, they stone women for promiscuity, right?

D'ARTAGNAN: No, I – I don’t think so.

CONSTANCE: Fair enough.

BONACIEUX is watching. Because of course he is.

 

_Garrison_

TREVILLE: You’re all fantastic fighters, but this fight isn’t between men, it’s between institutions, and as your Captain I embody this institution, so I will be taking the role. 

D'ARTAGNAN: (crushed)

EVERYONE ELSE: (angry mutters)

 

_BONACIEUX house_

BONACIEUX: Look, I never hurt you, I never beat you…

CONSTANCE: Words hurt, you know.

BONACIEUX: Break up with D'ARTAGNAN the cruellest way you can, or I’ll tell my new friend the CARDINAL that D'ARTAGNAN is plotting against him, and then he’ll be killed. D'ARTAGNAN, not the CARDINAL.

 

_Garrison, TREVILLE’s office_

ATHOS: You should have made D'ARTAGNAN the Champion.

TREVILLE does not defend himself even though there’s a perfectly good reason not to make D'ARTAGNAN the Champion. What, is it bad form to spy on the other guys or something?

 

_BONACIEUX house_

D'ARTAGNAN: I’m not the Champion, TREVILLE is.

CONSTANCE: Finally realised you’re not the best, have you?

D'ARTAGNAN: What?

CONSTANCE: Nothing. I’m just tired of this little game. I’m going to stay here, with my nice safe husband, in my nice safe house. You go hang out with that creepy rich lady who is oddly invested in you.

D'ARTAGNAN slinks out, clearly hurt. BONACIEUX has been listening from the other room; he attempts to approach CONSTANCE, but backs off.

 

_Garrison, TREVILLE’s office_

TREVILLE pulls out an old uniform and eyes it.

 

_Tournament grounds_

ALICE is attending.

ARAMIS: What, are you house trained already?

PORTHOS: Shut up.

ARAMIS: …seriously? Are you thinking of leaving?

D'ARTAGNAN: Why would he? Women are all faithless, heart breaking scum.

ARAMIS: …right then. I’ll just be quiet over here, I think.

The HERALD announces TREVILLE. Everyone claps.

The HERALD announces LABARGE. Everyone is confused.

ARAMIS: Oh, TREVILLE knew it all along! …right, being quiet.

HERALD: We’re not doing shooting or wrestling because reasons, so it’s all about the swords! Prepare to thrust, gentlemen!

LABARGE blatantly breaks the rules. TREVILLE gets first blood, and then gets knocked down and his shoulder stamped on. The MUSKETEERS swarm on to protect him and there’s a melee for a while until LOUIS gets bored and shouts them down.

LOUIS: LABARGE cheated, so the MUSKETEERS get a do over.

TREVILLE: D'ARTAGNAN, on you go.

LABARGE: Grengouergejusgnjer!

D'ARTAGNAN: I told you, you can’t burn down a farm, it doesn’t have any up.

LABARGE: Ggnuernsguernjgktrnslk.

D'ARTAGNAN: Shout all you like, I’ve learned the moral now.

D'ARTAGNAN’S THEME gets turned up again. D'ARTAGNAN plays for a while and then stabs LABARAGE in the belly.

D'ARTAGNAN: Bet you wish you hadn’t torched GASCONY now, huh?

LABARGE: gnrtjegnerj. (dies)

LOUIS: My, what wonderful killing skills. D'ARTAGNAN, you are commissioned. Oh, but I’m keeping the prize money, because LABARGE was bad.

LOUIS just about takes D'ARTAGNAN’s ear off as he commissions him.

LOUIS: Whoops. Oh well. Have a suspiciously well matching pauldron.

There are hugs all around, except for Athos, who is Not Down With That. It’s very sweet.

_Another part of the grounds_

CARDINAL: By the way, MILADY, I know you paid D'ARTAGNAN in and I know you used to be married to ATHOS.

MILADY: D'ARTAGNAN’s going to join us and take down the MUSKETEERS. It’s a plan, honest.

_Yet another part of the grounds_

ALICE: That was…a new experience.

PORTHOS: I’m sorry if you didn’t like it, but it’s my life.

ALICE: Let’s stay friends.

PORTHOS: I’d like that.

ALICE goes. ARAMIS wanders up.

ARAMIS: Not going with her?

PORTHOS: Nah, you’d be dead in a week if I wasn’t here.

ARAMIS: True. Very true.

There is manly shoulder punching.

 

_Bonacieux house_

D'ARTAGNAN and his three belongings storm out of the house. I have finally figured out where his room is in the house, yay.

CONSTANCE: Moving to the garrison?

D'ARTAGNAN: What do you care?

MILADY: Would you like a lift to the garrison, D'ARTAGNAN?

D'ARTAGNAN: Your carriage is pointing the wrong way. Also, I’m swearing off women. Thanks anyway.

D'ARTAGNAN walks off, smirking to himself. MILADY glares.

 

_Next time_

QUEEN ANNE looks very different with her hair down, and there are nuns.


	9. Knight Takes Queen

KNIGHT TAKES QUEEN

 

_Some pastoral lake_

QUEEN ANNE goes swimming. Slowly. For a long time.

On a cliff high enough above the lake that they can’t possibly get there in time if anything happens, ARAMIS cleans his pistol while the others beat up on D'ARTAGNAN in the name of training.

ARAMIS: It’s so pleasant out here.

PORTHOS: You going to help us rough up D'ARTAGNAN or what?

ARAMIS: (sighs contentedly)

 

_Louvre Palace_

KING LOUIS is hosting a party for some visiting Germans. At least, they sound German, but since the French all sound British who knows where they’re actually from.

CHARLOTTE: (simpers at LOUIS)

CHARLOTTE’s FATHER COUNT MELLANDORF: My, if we could only find a husband for CHARLOTTE. She’s stinking rich, you know. And her sisters keep producing babies.

KING LOUIS: CARDINAL, did you ever wish you could get rid of your wife and marry someone else instead? Maybe someone rich, and foreign, who could have babies?

CARDINAL: … no, your majesty.

KING LOUIS: Oh. (falls over drunk)

 

_A farmhouse somewhere_

A mysterious figure on horseback rides up to a barn and does a lot of shooting. Of rats. _Can_ you even shoot rats?

MILADY approaches.

MILADY: ROHAN, I have a job for you. Me and my patron. He’s very rich and famous.

ROHAN: Have you seen my tattoo of a hand?

MILADY: How…charming.

 

_The pastoral lake_

ARAMIS: The countryside is boring and annoying and boring, and I’m bored and annoyed. Let’s go back to Paris.

ROHAN shoots at someone wearing the QUEEN’s robe! The MUSKETEERS have to throw themselves over a cliff to get to her, because for some reason they can’t camp anywhere close enough to actually guard her! But it’s not the QUEEN, it’s one of her ladies! PORTHOS and D'ARTAGNAN manhandle her up a cliff to ‘safety’ while ATHOS and ARAMIS go after ROHAN!

ATHOS: One guy? Pfft.

ROHAN catches up with his bazillion guys and ATHOS and ARAMIS have to dive for cover. They double back to catch up with the others.

 

_Louvre Palace_

CARDINAL: Want to marry your daughter to a Frenchman?

COUNT MELLANDORF: Sure, but it would have to be someone very important and rich. And important.

 

_Another part of the forest_

The INSEPARABLES ride away from ROHAN’s gang for a while. When they stop for a break, QUEEN ANNE ‘accidentally’ finds ARAMIS fishing in his underwear. I mean, wearing his underwear whilst fishing in a stream. Nothing else.

QUEEN ANNE: Can I have you? Help. Help you. Can I help you.

ARAMIS: No, everything’s fine. (flexing)

QUEEN ANNE: I could cook.

ARAMIS: Can you cook?

QUEEN ANNE: No idea.

Turns out, NO, SHE CAN’T. Everyone’s far too polite to say so, though. Luckily, before they have to eat too much ROHAN’s gang catch up and they have to run.

PORTHOS: We should fight.

ATHOS: No, let’s definitely keep riding and wear ourselves out.

They ride for a while and come across a convent obviously placed on top of a hill.

ATHOS: New plan. ARAMIS and I will trap ourselves in there with the QUEEN, while you two ride off and hopefully get past ROHAN’s guys to get to Paris and bring back reinforcements.

PORTHOS: That’s just an excellent plan all around, there, ATHOS.

ATHOS: Shut up and go to Paris.

 

_Convent_

NUN: You can’t close the gates!

ATHOS: We need to keep out the bandits who are trying to kill your QUEEN over there.

QUEEN ANNE: (self conscious wave)

EXTREMELY IRISH MOTHER SUPERIOR: Right, time to throw all the traditions and policies of our order out the window!

ATHOS: If these gates never close, why do they have a bar and braces and a lock?

ROHAN and one of his men ride up with a white flag. ATHOS goes out to meet them, because obviously that can’t possibly be a trap.

ROHAN: Hand over the QUEEN and I won’t kill anyone else.

ATHOS: Or I could kill you.

ROHAN: You could try, but I’m evil. Look, I’ll prove it.

He shoots his own man, instead of ATHOS, who is RIGHT THERE IN FRONT OF HIM.

ATHOS: Well, you’re…certainly something. When did you stop soldiering?

ROHAN: Shut up. The NUNS can leave if they want. Once I get in there, though, everyone’s dead. Oh and I sent some men after your friends, they’re going to be dead before long. No one’s coming for you.

 

_A road some distance away_

PORTHOS and D'ARTAGNAN eventually kill all the guys following them and find a vital clue and another hand tattoo.

 

_Convent_

These nuns don’t seem to have a priest. That seems unusual.

ATHOS: …so if you all leave, he won’t hurt her.

MOTHER SUPERIOR: We could dress the QUEEN up as a nun and take her with us.

ARAMIS: No, far too dangerous.

MOTHER SUPERIOR: Right, well. Anyone want to leave?...nope, we’re all yours.

ATHOS: Right. Barricades, look out points…

MOTHER SUPERIOR: You can look out from my bedroom.

ATHOS: …do you have any weapons?

MOTHER SUPERIOUR: We have a musket!

NUN: And another thing which I will show ARAMIS.

ARAMIS looks surprised. Surely they’ve introduced themselves by now?

 

_Outside the convent_

ROHAN’s men are getting themselves into position.

 

_Convent_

ARAMIS: Oh, you have a still. Like my father’s. And you make brandy. Like my father’s.

NUN: Haven’t recognised me yet, then.

ARAMIS: You haven’t actually looked at me since we’ve met.

NUN: We can use the bottles to throw at the bandits. Because the Bible says to burn people alive.

ARAMIS: Oh, ISABELLE, you were never this bloodthirsty before you lost our baby and your father made you move away.

QUEEN ANNE: Just popping in to spoil the moment!

 

_Garrison_

D'ARTAGNAN: So we’ll gather up the whole regiment and go back for a daring rescue?

PORTHOS: Sounds about right.

The garrison is empty.

D'ARTAGNAN: I was really hoping for more than SERGE the old guy, FLORIAN the half blind old guy, JACQUES the stable boy, and the captain who can’t use one arm.

 

_The CARDINAL’s private altar apparently_

CARDINAL: Evil plan in motion?

MILADY: Yes.

CARDINAL: Second thoughts?

MILADY: …no.

TREVILLE, PORTHOS and D'ARTAGNAN burst in.

TREVILLE: Someone tried to kill the QUEEN but she’s all right but we need to hurry!

The CARDINAL can’t quite decide how to react to that.

 

_Convent_

QUEEN ANNE comes with – something – for ARAMIS that she needs to put very carefully one by one into his purse/pocket/hanging thing.

QUEEN ANNE: I meant to ask earlier, do you think my ladies are all right? We left them behind at the lake.

ARAMIS: I’m sure they’re fine. Definitely not dead.

QUEEN ANNE: So, what’s up with the nun?

ARAMIS: Oh, we’d been fooling around and she got pregnant so we were going to get married but then she miscarried and her father chucked her in here.

QUEEN ANNE: …

Suddenly ROHAN’s men attack! Bits of dust fly everywhere! Glass shatters! Aramis kills people!

 

_Some gloomy place somewhere_

TREVILLE: I’ve sent word to the KING and recalled the MUSKETEERS but they won’t get here for hours yet.

CARDINAL: Right, right, and – uh – do you know who did this?

PORTHOS: No, but we have a lead we’re going to check out.

CARDINAL: (gritted teeth) Excellent. I will pray you find them. And start thinking of painful things to do to them.

TREVILLE and the others leave.

CARDINAL: Well, you messed that one up, didn’t you! Go sort it out, or else I’ll let them catch you.

MILADY skulks off.

 

_Convent_

ARAMIS and ATHOS banter while they shoot people, people shoot at them, and the nuns pray loudly. MOTHER SUPERIOR looks mildly annoyed as glass shatters around her and statues are destroyed.

MOTHER SUPERIOR: Right, I’ve had it. Let’s go.

The NUNs start chopping climbing ropes, throwing flaming alcohol and chucking beehives. ROHAN’s men withdraw.

 

_Paris_

TREVILLE and the others follow the vital clue to a moneylender’s. Sadly, he’s already dead, but TREVILLE and PORTHOS search for his records while D'ARTAGNAN follows his nose to the other room.

TREVILLE: Found it! D'ARTAGNAN, it’s vital you come and look at this right now! Stop following other clues!

MILADY is hiding behind the door, but D'ARTAGNAN obediently goes back to watch TREVILLE read accounts and mutter to himself.

TREVILLE: Ah hah! COUNT MELLANDORF bought a promissory note and gave it to these guys, the RED HAND gang! They were the personal guard of RED HUGH O’DONNELL – although obviously these must be descendants or something, RED HUGH’s been dead for nearly thirty years. But anyway, they’re fearsome, terrible soldiers. No waiting for the regiment, we’ve got to ride out immediately!

D'ARTAGNAN sees MILADY leave but not clearly enough to see who she is and not quickly enough to catch her.

TREVILLE: Nevermind the only way we have to get to the bottom of this, we have to save the QUEEN! Come on!

 

_Louvre Palace_

TREVILLE: It doesn’t make sense.

CARDINAL: It makes perfect sense, MELLANDORF’s trying to marry off his daughter so he’s trying to get the QUEEN out of the way first.

TREVILLE: We’re riding to the rescue. Send the regiment when they get here, I’m sure they’ll take orders from you with no problems at all. Oh and there was a mysterious WOMAN who killed the moneylender, we’ll be looking into that later!

TREVILLE rides off.

CARDINAL: One last try, MILADY, and do try not to be caught this time! Hide this incriminating letter in MELLANDORF’s things, because everyone always keeps incriminating letters in their things.

 

_Convent_

ROHAN and his guys have a new plan, communicated with much head nodding and drawing in the dirt.

ISABELLE: It’s very quiet. Maybe they’ve gone away.

ARAMIS: Probably not. I wish we’d gotten married.

ISABELLE: You’d have hated it. I released you by running away in the night without telling you.

While ARAMIS is distracted, a couple of ROHAN’s men make it right up to the walls and break into the cellar. ISABELLE, coming back down for more alcohol, is surprised and attacked. Alerted by absolutely nothing, ARAMIS goes looking for her.

ISABELLE manages to kill one of the guys and is shot. ARAMIS kills the other guy just in time for ISABELLE to die in his arms. ATHOS and everybody else arrive before he can get a good cry going.

 

_Garrison_

TREVILLE has dressed SERGE the old guy, FLORIAN the half blind old guy, and JACQUES the stable boy as MUSKETEERS. They hilariously fumble their weapons and struggle with horses.

PORTHOS: Have I ever mentioned how much I respect your strategic abilities, Captain?

 

_Convent_

ROHAN’s guys are making lots of construction type noise. The QUEEN, still wearing her swimming outfit rather than, say, borrowing a habit from one of the nuns, wanders out to find ARAMIS.

QUEEN ANNE: So, um, sorry about your baby mama. I miscarried once too, so I know what’s that like.

This seems to be news to ARAMIS.

ARAMIS: ISABELLE was probably right to stay away from me. I’m a terrible person.

QUEEN ANNE: No, you’re not, you’re brave, and kind, and you – have eyes…

There’s more, but I don’t really think it’s necessary.

(le treasonous sex)

Meanwhile, ROHAN’s guys are doing things and TREVILLE’s guys are riding along quite slowly.

ATHOS walks in on the aftermath of (le treasonous sex) because it didn’t occur to ARAMIS to close the door or get out of the QUEEN’s bed when he was done.

ATHOS: I didn’t see anything.

ARAMIS: Oh good.

ATHOS: You idiot, now we’ll both be killed.

ARAMIS: We’re under siege, ATHOS, we’ll likely die here long before the KING can do it.

ATHOS: (grumbles)

ARAMIS: Your majesty, you should wait with the nuns.

QUEEN ANNE: Nope, staying with you.

ATHOS: ARAMIS! They’re tunnelling in and getting in through the cellars. Quick, let’s hide the QUEEN in the cellars!

ARAMIS: ATHOS…

ATHOS: NO TIME TALK! RUN FAST!

MOTHER SUPERIOR shows off her ankles as she leads them down to the cellars. ATHOS stops to have a standoff with ROHAN’s men while ARAMIS, the QUEEN and MOTHER SUPERIOR head for a storeroom. ATHOS jumps athletically over their barricade to join them. There is shooting for a while.

 

_Louvre Palace_

KING LOUIS: What the hell, CARDINAL? I leave my wife alone so I can go hunting with another woman, and she’s nearly killed!

CARDINAL: Yes, and it was all his fault!

MELLANDORF: Why are you pointing in this direction?

SOME SERVANT ‘finds’ the incriminating letter in MELLANDORF’s luggage, because apparently luggage is moved up and down the main staircase and not a servant’s staircase.

CARDINAL: Look it’s a letter to the assassin promising him sanctuary in Germany!

MELLANDORF: But this isn’t my writing, and even if it was, why would it be in my luggage instead of with the assassin? It’s not doing him much good here!

LOUIS: Take them to the Bastille!

 

_Convent_

Shooting is still going on, but not for long because there’s only two shots left and four assassins. ARAMIS uses one shot to take out one assassin.

Upstairs, the NUNS let in TREVILLE’s group. ROHAN hears them coming and urges his guys to attack. SERGE the old guy gets dead, but so do most of ROHAN’s men. TREVILLE finds ATHOS and the others. ATHOS goes off after ROHAN.

ATHOS: Tell me who hired you.

ROHAN: How ‘bout no? (Gets shot) OK, tell you what, I’ll give MOTHER SUPERIOR a vague clue that might lead you to who hired me. Look in the tunk. I mean saddlebags.

ARAMIS: I don’t think MELLANDORF did this. Because religion.

ROHAN’s saddlebags have a box with a forget me not in the lid.

ATHOS: Well, MELLANDORF didn’t do this.

 

_Bastille_

The CARDINAL comes to gloat at MELLANDORF, who does not seem very happy despite the Bastille being the luxury prison.

CARDINAL: I can’t get you out, but if you confess, your daughter is safe.

MELLANDORF: I didn’t do it!

CARDINAL: That’s really neither here nor there.

 

_Louvre Palace_

ANNE has clearly been back in the palace for hours, because she’s dressed and made up, but LOUIS doesn’t seem to have seen her yet. He is adorably nervous as he welcomes her back.

CARDINAL: MELLANDORF has confessed to everything, hurrah, case closed.

QUEEN ANNE and ARAMIS lock eyes across the hall before LOUIS escorts her out. 

PORTHOS: But we know he did it!

TREVILLE: We don’t have any proof, so let’s keep it quiet and not let him know we know. Where’s ATHOS?

ATHOS: …and we know it was you and we’re going to prove it.

CARDINAL: How nice for you. Excuse me. (hurries away)

 

_Next time_

D'ARTAGNAN betrays the MUSKETEERS again, and someone gets dead.


	10. Musketeers Don't Die Easily

MUSKETEERS DON’T DIE EASILY

 

_Street near the garrison_

Extremely drunk ATHOS catches MILADY by staggering after her and bumping into people. Really, MILADY, you should have to hand in your assassin badge for that.

ARAMIS: Ha ha, you are still only a new MUSKETEER.

D'ARTAGNAN: (gritted teeth)

PORTHOS: ATHOS has gone crazy, we might want to do something about that.

TREVILLE and the INSEPARABLES go to try and talk sense into him.

MILADY: D’Art-urk!

ATHOS: WHAT YOU SLEPT WITH MY WIFE HOW DARE YOU

D'ARTAGNAN: ATHOS JUST PUT DOWN THE WOMAN AND WE CAN TALK

ARAMIS: YOU SLEPT WITH A WOMAN BEFORE YOU EVEN KNEW US HOW DARE YOU

D'ARTAGNAN: THIS IS TOTALLY UNFAIR

TREVILLE: EVERYONE JUST BE CALM

MILADY: HELLO I AM CHOKING TO DEATH OVER HERE

D'ARTAGNAN: WE’LL GET TO YOU

PORTHOS: I AM ALSO OUTRAGED

D'ARTAGNAN: (pistol grab)

ATHOS: (pistol shot)

D'ARTAGNAN: (falls down)

 

_Louvre Palace_

CHARLOTTE MELLANDORF is busy pleading for her father. Also it’s been three months since the last episode, apparently.

LOUIS is posing for a portrait by sitting on a sawhorse. That’s got to be really uncomfortable after a while.

TREVILLE: There’s no proof MELLANDORF did this.

CARDINAL: We totally have his confession!

TREVILLE: Anyone can get a confession to say anything.

QUEEN ANNE: I think we should exercise caution.

KING LOUIS: Yes, let’s do that.

CARDINAL: I really think…

KING LOUIS: Oh, run along, CARDINAL.

 

_Elsewhere, possibly the Louvre_

CARDINAL: I BLAME YOU FOR THIS

MILADY: Oh, please, keep shouting, I haven’t had enough of that lately.

CARDINAL: Yes, stop having public brawls in the square, it makes you rather less effective as a spy if everyone knows who you are. Also, kill ATHOS and his friends.

MILADY: …yes, all right.

 

_MILADY’s boudoir_

D'ARTAGNAN is a terrible soldier, MILADY is able to sneak right up behind him and he only realises it when there’s a pistol actually touching his head.

MILADY: Grr, I am threatening.

D'ARTAGNAN: Pretty sure you didn’t bring me here and patch me up just so you could shoot me. Also, I saved your life.

MILADY: I brought you here because all your friends hate you now. You should totally join the CARDINAL and me.

D'ARTAGNAN: No. Now stop kissing me and tell me about you and ATHOS.

 

_Garrison_

CONSTANCE runs randomly around in the garrison.

MUKSETEER #1: Hey, uh, there’s a woman over there.

MUSKETEER #2: Shush, don’t draw attention to yourself.

CONSTANCE finds ARAMIS and PORTHOS.

CONSTANCE: Is d'Artagnan dead?

ARAMIS: Who knows? Not us, we let that woman take him.

PORTHOS: How come you know he was shot, and not what happened afterwards?

CONSTANCE: Look, I haven’t forgotten how to slap MUSKETEERS.

ARAMIS: You run on home like a good little girl, and we’ll tell you if anything happens.

CONSTANCE goes.

ARAMIS: Ah, young love.

PORTHOS: What? But she said she didn’t love him! I am completely confused!

 

_MILADY’s boudoir_

MILADY: I was totally a thief before ATHOS, but I changed myself for him, but THOMAS, his younger brother, wanted me and when I said no he tried to force me so I killed him because I loved ATHOS. How about you kill ATHOS for me?

D'ARTAGNAN: No.

TREVILLE arrives.

TREVILLE: Sorry, D'ARTAGNAN, you’re out. I have to placate ATHOS somehow, so you’re losing the commission you worked so hard for. Better hope LABARGE left something standing on your farm.

TREVILLE leaves.

MILADY: Kill ATHOS?

D'ARTAGNAN: Yes, all right.

 

_Garrison_

ARAMIS: Oh, look, someone’s risen from the dead.

D'ARTAGNAN: Yes, thanks for all the help you didn’t give me. Some medic you are.

ATHOS: So how’s my wife, then?

D'ARTAGNAN: Murderous. –ly good in bed.

TREVILLE: Oi, get up here!

The INSEPARABLES file into the office and line up like they’re about to be told off by the teacher.

For about five seconds, and then there’s hugging and laughing.

ATHOS: So how is the SECRET PLAN TO FOOL MILADY coming along?

D'ARTAGNAN: What, the SECRET PLAN where we PRETEND to have a fight and just really hope that she’ll care enough to fish me out of the gutter, patch me up and tell me all her secrets?

ATHOS: That one, yes.

D'ARTAGNAN: Yeah, pretty good at the moment. Oh, except I just need you to do a little bit more acting.

ATHOS: Oh?

D'ARTAGNAN: Yes, I promised to kill you.

 

_Bad part of town_

MILADY wanders into a tavern. Someone accosts her and she shoots him. That was – fast.

SARAZIN: You just shot my guard! Fabulous! I love it!

MILADY: Excellent, then you can be backup in case my foolproof plan somehow goes sideways. Not that it will. But just in case.

SARAZIN: Nah, I don’t think so. Ah, what the hell, yes.

 

_Marketplace_

D'ARTAGNAN: ATHOS YOU ARE A TERRIBLE PERSON

ATHOS: YEAH, WELL, YOU’RE A TERRIBLE MUSKETEER

D'ARTAGNAN: THAT’S IT I CHALLENGE YOU

ATHOS: NO I DON’T FEEL LIKE IT (shoots at his back)

D'ARTAGNAN: (shoots wildly in ATHOS’ general direction)

ATHOS: (falls down)

MILADY: EXCELLENT EVERYTHING IS…ahem. Excellent, everything is going to plan. Now to deploy my secret back up plan, meant only in case this plan wasn’t working. (extremely obvious signals at SARAZIN’s girl)

 

_A different marketplace_

SARAZIN’S GIRL: MADAME BONCIEUX D'ARTAGNAN’s in trouble you should come with me right now.

CONSTANCE: Why are you here instead of anyone I actually know?

SARAZIN’S GIRL: Uh – no time talk! Run fast!

Astonishingly, this works.

 

_MILADY’s boudoir_

MILADY: Huh, revenge just leaves you empty. Who knew.

D'ARTAGNAN: Everyone ever. Remember that offer you made me about working for the CARDINAL?

MILADY: Mmm, I don’t know. You’re kind of a wimp all of a sudden.

 

_Some part of PARIS_

CONSTANCE: Look, we’ve been running around for ages and I don’t think D'ARTAGNAN even knows this part of PARIS. I’m just going to go.

SARAZIN’s GIRL: No, he’s right here, honest!

CONSTANCE believes her and gets herself tied up. Well done, CONSTANCE.

 

_CARDINAL’s office_

CARDINAL: Sadly, you had your duel in public, so you’re going to be hanged now.

D'ARTAGNAN: What if I threaten MILADY?

CARDINAL: Go ahead.

D'ARTAGNAN: What if I threaten you?

CARDINAL: …I’m listening.

D'ARTAGNAN: TREVILLE has a letter that implicates you in the QUEEN’s assassination. Tell ARAMIS you’ll trade me for the letter, get the letter from him, and then…don’t trade me? I guess?

 

_Some graveyard_

TREVILLE: As we bury ATHOS, let’s all try and remember all the really good fights he was in, and not all the times he got drunk.

PORTHOS: (crying)

 

_Some part of PARIS_

SARAZIN’s girl has got drunk and passed out. CONSTANCE carefully obtains the empty bottle, smashes it, cuts her ropes off, cuts SARAZIN’s girl to keep her down, and is practically out the door when MILADY thumps her in the HEAD.

MILADY: That’s stellar work, SARAZIN, really, well done.

SARAZIN: You’re fired, GIRL!

SARAZIN’s girl limps off, weeping, and they tie CONSTANCE up again in exactly the same way.

 

_Some pub_

ATHOS: Well, how was my funeral?

ARAMIS: Charming.

PORTHOS: Emotional.

BONACIEUX: HOMEWRECKERS! WHERE IS MY WIFE?

ARAMIS: Pardon?

BONACIEUX: MY WIFE SHE LEFT MY HOUSE YESTERDAY WHERE IS SHE I BET SHE’S WITH D'ARTAGNAN

ARAMIS: You run on home like a good little boy, and we’ll tell you if anything happens.

BONACIEUX leaves, swearing vengeance.

ARAMIS: Well, that’s alarming.

ATHOS: Better not tell D'ARTAGNAN, it might distract him.

A RED GUARD appears.

RED GUARD: ARAMIS? ARAMIS? ARAMIS! ARAMIS? ARAMIS!

PORTHOS: Let’s not start that again.

ARAMIS: (reading the message) CARDINAL has D'ARTAGNAN, he wants the letter, blah blah blah.

 

_The secret letter handing over place_

ARAMIS: YOU KILLED ATHOS

D'ARTAGNAN: HE WAS TRYING TO KILL ME

PORTHOS: I’M GOING TO KILL YOU

CARDINAL: Give me the letter and you can do anything you want to him.

ARAMIS: Why did you do it?

CARDINAL: Because she’s never going to have a child and if anything happens to the KING the country will be plunged into civil war, now hand it over!

ARAMIS: What, this blank piece of parchment? Sure.

CARDINAL: That was stupid. You got me to confess but there’s no one here to hear it.

QUEEN ANNE: Would you like to count again?

CARDINAL: …shit.

QUEEN ANNE: I’m not going to have you killed, because you’re good for France and the KING loves you. Behave from now on, though.

QUEEN ANNE wanders off on her own, because she definitely doesn’t need an escort or anything.

D’ARTAGNAN: Also, give us MILADY.

CARDINAL: You find her, you can keep her.

 

_Somewhere that’s green_

MILADY: Well, you’ve kneecapped the CARDINAL, but ATHOS is still dead.

ATHOS: (is behind her)

MILADY: … he’s behind me, isn’t he.

ATHOS: I’m not quite dead yet.

MILADY: Always check the body, ANNE!

ATHOS: I’m going to kill you now.

MILADY: Do that and CONSTANCE is dead. You can have her in an hour in that dead end street with all the overhanging windows and balconies.

 

_Garrison_

THE MOST AWESOME BROMANCE MOMENT EVER

 

_That dead end street with all the overhanging windows and balconies_

MILADY: Now, you stand nice and quiet out here in the open, CONSTANCE, and when the boys come to rescue you you get to see them shot to death! Won’t that be fun?

The BOYS come. They do not get shot to death. THE THEME TUNE kicks in as they shoot wildly in all directions and SARAZIN’s MEN die in slow motion. CONSTANCE runs out of the way of the bullets and finds MILADY waiting for her.

The INSEPARABLES fight their way around the corner and find MILADY with a gun pointed at CONSTANCE.

ATHOS: Give up?

MILADY: Nah.

CONSTANCE elbows her in the gut and runs into D'ARTAGNAN’s arms. ATHOS disarms MILADY.

ATHOS: I bet if I tried really hard, I could kill you.

He CAN’T.

ATHOS: Well, leave the country, then.

MILADY: That’s definitely what I will do. Absolutely.

MILADY sashays away.

 

_Street by the BONACIEUX house_

D'ARTAGNAN: Thank-God-you’re-alive smooches?

CONSTANCE: Sure, why not.

BONACIUEX MAID: Wait your husband tried to kill himself!

BONACIEUX seems to have hurt his shoulder very slightly.

BONACIEUX: I thought you’d left me, so killing myself seemed like the logical step. And if you ever leave me again, I will definitely kill myself. And then haunt you. Whooo.

CONSTANCE: … _damnit._

CONSTANCE decides to go the morally responsible route and stay with her boring, semi-abusive husband. D'ARTAGNAN is Not Down With This.

 

_Louvre Palace_

KING LOUIS: CARDINAL, I have invited you and all these other people here to Court today in order to inform you…

KING LOUIS lets it hang for about five minutes, which is strange because he doesn’t know there’s anything for the CARDINAL to worry about.

KING LOUIS: …the QUEEN is pregnant!

Everyone claps politely. ATHOS and ARAMIS exchange ‘oh shit’ looks.

 

_An anteroom_

ARAMIS: Congratulations. On your child. The child I know nothing about and had nothing to do with.

QUEEN ANNE: Yes. That child.

CARDINAL: (stink eye)

 

_Outside the palace_

ATHOS: Well, that was fun.

D'ARTAGNAN: We didn’t get anything out of it.

ARAMIS: We got adventure.

PORTHOS: D'ARTAGNAN’s right, we should have got swag.

ATHOS: We got honour.

D'ARTAGNAN: S’pose that’ll do.

They all ride off into the sunset.

PORTHOS: No, seriously, where’s the swag?

 

_Next time_

Stay tuned for Season Two!


End file.
